The Big Age Gap Issue: 7 Easy Ways To Keep A Long Lasting Relationship With An Older Woman

The older woman/younger man relationship has always been the object of jokes, with men being labeled “boytoys” or worse for getting involved with an older lover. It’s always been acceptable – in some cultures, even admired – for older men to romance young women, but the reverse has never been as readily acceptable.

In the 1950's, for example, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were perhaps the most beloved couple in America, yet they felt that the seven-year difference between the older Lucy and the younger Desi wouldn’t be accepted by the public. Their solution? They both lied about their ages, splitting the difference and saying they were born the same year.

In recent years, the term “cougar” has been coined for a particular kind of successful older woman. Celebrity relationships between actors like Demi Moore and the much younger Ashton Kutcher give the “cougar/cub” relationship a certain scandalous appeal. Twenty-something men with a preference for older women style themselves as “cougar hunters,” and meet older women at bars that, according to one article in the Los Angeles Times, are called “dens.”

So let’s say you meet and successfully woo a woman ten years older than you – or more. What can you expect from the relationship? What are the dangers and drawbacks of such a relationship? Most important, how can I make sure the relationship lasts?

1. Make sure the two of you are well-matched in passions.

Not just in bed, either. Do you have a similar zest for life? If one of you is a couch potato and the other likes to get out of the house to hike, bike and socialize, it’s never going to work. One of the biggest reasons that older women date younger men is because they’ve found that men their own age have lost their sense of fun and adventure. If she needs someone to have long talks with and you’re not interested in discussing your feelings, it’s not going to last.

2. Be prepared to deal with disapproval.

Most people aren’t aware of how narrow and judgmental their views are, but many people just aren’t open to anything that’s counter to the accepted status quo. The relationship standard is to date and marry someone within two of three years of our age, and if there’s a big discrepancy, people find reasons to disapprove. Don’t allow yourself to have a thin skin about it – get used to good-natured ribbing from friends, and be prepared for curious (or even hostile) looks from strangers. Remember that your relationship is nobody’s business but your own – and that they’re all probably secretly jealous!

3. Deal with jealousy in a light-hearted manner. Women can be very insecure about their appearance and, while they do gain confidence as they age, your older woman may be a little sensitive about her diminishing youth. She may occasionally feel threatened by younger women you work with or meet socially – and you may find yourself worried about her leaving you for an older, more successful man! The best way to deal with jealousy is to just acknowledge that you’re both attractive, you’re both going to meet interesting, good-looking people, and that the important thing is that you’ve chosen to be together. It’s far better to laugh about someone flirting with your partner than to get angry – for one thing, it signifies that you’ve caught someone worth catching.

4. Don’t let money issues drive you apart.

If she’s a decade older than you are and successful in her career, odds are good that she makes more money, drives a nicer car, and lives in a better home than you do. Accept this for what it is – just the circumstance of your different ages – and Don’t let it be an issue. She obviously doesn’t think less of you for having a smaller bank account, because if she did she wouldn’t be with you. Society has become much more forgiving of women paying the check in a restaurant or buying their partner clothes – just don’t let yourself fall into the trap of believing you’re somehow less of a man because she has a fatter wallet.

5. Be ready to look like a boytoy.

Most people will assume that the older woman had to have been the seducer in your relationship. But researchers have found that relationships between older women and younger men are almost always instigated by the man. It may chafe a bit to have people believe that you’re being used as a sex object – then again, maybe you’ll find that flattering!

6. Don’t allow cultural differences to get in the way.

You may have a lot in common, but you’ll still find that the music she enjoyed in her youth was recorded, in many cases, before you were born. Don’t turn up your nose – this is a great chance to learn something. Let her show you her favorite movies on DVD, and take you to restaurants to try foods you’ve never tried before. Your older woman has a lot more life experience that you do, and can open you up to many exciting new experiences. And you can do the same for her, by sharing your favorite movies, music, TV shows and nightlife, showing her things she might otherwise overlook.

7. Enjoy your relationship, and stop worrying.

Experts say that young men who pursue older women tend to be more mature than their peers, and that their unjaded, adventurous outlook brings a much-needed spark of life to an older woman’s life. Most committed relationships between older women and younger men last for a long, long time – much longer than relationships between young people of similar ages. So enjoy what you each bring to the relationship and Don’t worry about what others may think – what you’ve found is special, stable and built to last.