Cyber-Affairs

There is considerable debate and confusion about what constitutes an affair in cyberspace. Because of the lack of physical presence and /or contact, many have dismissed the concept of extra-marital internet relationships as affairs. However, I strongly believe this is not the case. Cyber-affairs are a rapidly growing threat to marital relationships and need to be recognized and addressed by those who are headed down that slippery slope.

Marriage is about trust, openness, and intimacy. The simplest question that immediately answers if you are on that slippery slope is whether or not you are sharing what you are doing online with your spouse? If not, then you are headed for trouble if not already there. Secrets are like termites in the foundation of a marriage. They eat away, more and more, until the whole thing collapses. Once you begin to hide something meaningful from your partner, you are pulling away from her. (I will use him/her interchangeably.) A small secret usually becomes a bigger secret or leads to additional secrets and before you know it, there is an unhealthy distance that has been created in the relationship.

The internet has some inherent features that make it especially prone to affairs. Clearly, anonymity is a key factor. Many people who lack self confidence or find it hard to share feelings face-to-face, feel much more comfortable sharing intimacies online. Believing they will never be known to the other person, it seems so safe. That anonymity also allows one to present as one would like to be seen by others rather than how one believes she is seen by others. That is a very seductive aspect of internet friendships.

Internet relationships can be pursued anytime you have access to a computer, so you never have to leave your home or office to connect with the other person. It’s so easy. That’s what makes it so dangerous. There are such subtle ways the cyber-relationship can impact the marriage. Your wife says come snuggle with me on the couch. You say I have to take care of some work on the computer and you go online and talk to your “friend.” Now you have not only lied to your wife but you have taken important time from the marriage. You are on that slippery slope. No, it’s worse. I would say you are into freefall if it reaches that level of deceit.

It gets even more complicated. One can easily expand the definition of cyber-infidelity to include those who are spending significant amounts of time on porno sites. Some husbands have claimed this actually enhances their marital sex by raising their level of arousal. Others say it helps because their wife has a lower sex drive and this provides a safe outlet for their stronger needs. Of course, these men always point out that they are not involved with another woman, so how can it be harmful?

I simply go back to my earlier key defining characteristic: Have you shared what you are doing with your wife? If not, you are acting in a secretive manner which means, on some level, you are feeling guilty or ashamed about what you are doing, and you are creating a dishonesty in the relationship that will have negative repercussions. Why not tell your wife? If it is not harming the marital sexual relationship, she should not have an objection, unless you are becoming addicted to those sites and then it becomes about the time taken from marriage and family in addition to the likelihood there is a sexual problem in the marriage. Of course, you might also be surprised to learn your wife would like to share that time online and allow it to enhance your sexuality in a mutual way.

When does an online friendship cross the line and become an affair? Casual contact, just like casual social contact with others in work or recreational settings, does not need to be discussed and is not a threat. But if one person becomes an increasing focus of the time you are spending online and you do not talk about this “friendship”, which now has become a true relationship, not a casual acquaintance, then, once again, you have a secret relationship, and that is an affair. It is even truer if the content of those emails is very personal because typically this means you are discussing things with your online friend that you are not discussing with your wife.

Marital intimacy is a challenge for all couples. Sharing deep personal thoughts and feelings are scary to most of us. Addressing conflicts within the marriage is often very difficult to do in a constructive way. Too many couples end up avoiding addressing important tissues that need to be shared and worked through. Talking to a friend online is often a way to avoid the anxiety of talking to your wife about a problem in the marriage.

Cyber-affairs can easily become more personal. Videocam can allow the two people to see each other even if they live far apart. That opens the door to enhanced sexuality as they can introduce visual seduction and shared masturbation online. In addition, if the relationship becomes especially strong, what’s to stop the two people from finding a way to meet? What starts as an anonymous, online friendship can potentially evolve into a relationship that has all the characteristics of a traditional affair.

Any “relationship” that creates deceit in a marriage, that takes time and energy away from the marital relationship, constitutes an affair. I’d like to quote Frank Pittman, a well-known marital therapist, who said, in his wonderful 1989 book, “Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy”, “If you don’t know whether what you are doing constitutes an affair or not, ask your spouse.” If the answer is yes, run, do not walk, to your nearest marital therapist. An affair need not destroy a marriage if it is dealt with. The longer it festers, the more likely a divorce will become the only option.