Coping With Divorce Anger

Divorce can be a traumatic event, certainly an event that not many people anticipate when they get married. Similarly, the many different emotions and the impact they have on individuals are not anticipated either. Furthermore, it’s not just the emotions themselves, but the length of the divorce, change in surroundings and lifestyle, as well as the loss of your spouse and your marriage can all have a tremendous impact simply because you are dealing with all these issues and more at the same time.

To better understand divorce and it’s impact on you, is to better understand your emotions. No one can completely prepare you for what lies ahead during your divorce proceedings and life afterwards. Understand that this will be a very trying and emotional time for you and your family. It’s not just your emotions, but the emotions of your children as well as your soon to be ex-spouse. It’s important to not only recognize your emotions and how to cope with them, but you need to recognize the children’s emotions too and help them cope with the divorce. You may feel like it’s your divorce, but your children will suffer as well. They too will have to begin building a new life, different than what they have known, once the divorce proceedings begin.

A. There Are Five Types of Divorce

There are five types of divorce and you will experience each one soon. Some are more immediate than others, but each one is part of the process and makes up the divorce as a whole. The five types are:

Legal Divorce

Social Divorce

Emotional Divorce

Physical Divorce

Financial Divorce

The Legal Divorce

The legal divorce is simply the legal process you go through until the divorce becomes final. This phase is represented by attorneys, judges, courtrooms, paperwork, etc.

The Social Divorce

The good news here is that you will no longer have put up with the in-laws you never liked. Social divorce is simply your adjustment socially in relation to no longer being seen as a couple. Social divorce will affect each of you, your children, your families and your friends. Understand that it may be some friends may choose to associate with your ex-spouse and break ties with you. It may not seem fair, but unfortunately, it's a reality. It may seem awkward at first, but it gets easier as time goes by.

The Emotional Divorce

This can be the toughest phase of a divorce. This is where you realize that one phase of your life is over and you must start a new one. One day soon you will wake up in a house without your spouse and at times without your children. This can be very painful. All of a sudden you realize that your world no longer revolves around your responsibilities as a spouse or a couple. It’s up to you to define your new world.

The Physical Divorce

The Physical Divorce deals with the emptiness left when the physical presence of your spouse and children are not present to the extent they were while you were married. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and loss as time goes during and after the divorce.

The Financial Divorce

The Financial Divorce alone can be devastating to individuals. There are attorney fees, filing fees, court costs, alimony, spousal support, child support, and taxes to consider. Not taking all of these into account throughout your case, could lead you to living a less comfortable lifestyle than what you are used to or even bankruptcy.

B. Recognizing Your Emotions

Whether or not you are already in the midst of divorce proceedings or feel that you will soon be getting a divorce, it is important to recognize your emotions about the situation. Emotions are very powerful feelings or reactions to a given situation and can therefore cloud your better judgment. If this occurs, you are letting the divorce control you and take over your life. Don’t let it.

It’s okay to have feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, sorrow and emptiness. There will be many times when you will ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me?” Don’t ever think that your life is over…it isn’t. I survived my divorce along with countless others…you will too.

Early on, you need to channel your emotions into something creative. Negative emotions, comments or actions could be used against you during the proceedings, especially when there are children involved and the case goes before a judge. By retaining your everyday activities, you will eventually shift the focus of your life away from the divorce. Even if this is just for moments, these moments are important. It’s a slow process in the beginning, but eventually you will find yourself able to temporarily put this whole mess out of your mind. Before you know it, these “moments of freedom” grow longer. That is what you are looking for.

“I remember how I felt very clearly during the initial stages of our separation. I felt that a divorce would not happen to me and that we would spend some time apart and then get back together. That’s how I felt and that’s what I was hoping for. I felt like I needed to do everything I could to convince my spouse that I recognized my faults and was willing to change. I wrote letters, bought gifts and flowers, but eventually I realized how serious the situation had become. I simply wasn’t getting through the way I hoped I would. Everything I tried failed. I was banking on the fact that we would get back together and be a happy couple and continue to raise our child. I put myself in a bad situation emotionally. I spent my time hoping, when I should have been preparing for the worst.

As time went on, I could not understand why we couldn’t try again. In my opinion, we didn’t have a problem that couldn’t be overcome. Neither one of us abused alcohol nor drugs and neither one of us cheated on each other. What had happened and what I couldn’t see was the fact that we just grew apart during the course of the previous years. We had lived together, got married, had a child a few years later, but had somehow become different people. That can be a tough obstacle to overcome.

In regards to my situation, I had a lot of emotions. I was sad, depressed, and wanted to be left alone. Sometimes I would be angry, frustrated and want to cry all at the same time. I felt like I was alone in a sea of people. It’s almost as if I was branded a failure and there was nothing I could do about it. I feared that I was losing my wife and my child and didn’t know how to cope with that. How could I be away from my child? It was at times too painful to think about.

With all the emotions that I felt, I needed something to keep me occupied, or else I felt like I was going to die. Somehow I found the strength to immerse myself in my job for about six weeks. I found that this wasn’t the easiest thing to do, but I did find my friends at work to be a great outlet for discussing my situation. In the beginning, my friends were a tremendous help to me and I owe each of them a great deal of gratitude. They gave me an outlet for channeling my emotions and my energy. They helped keep my mind active and before long, I could manage to laugh and smile at a couple of their jokes. Somehow, I knew I was beginning to recover, even though, I had no idea that my spouse had already filed for divorce.

However, to this day, there are times when I miss my son deeply, even though I see him at least twice a week. I simply can’t see my son whenever I want. I have court visitation guidelines to follow. For me, this is the most painful subject from my divorce.”