Married For A Hundred Years?

Someday the cover of Time magazine will have a picture of the first couple to be married 100 years. Reporters will flock to them to ask their secret. But you don’t have to wait to learn their secret. Research has already given us a good idea of what helps marriages last.

By the way the current record, according to the Guinnes Book of World Records is 86 years and is held by two couples. One was a Maine couple who were both born in 1725 and married from 1743 until the wife died. The other was an Indian couple who married when both were five years old and were married until the husband died in 1940.

While much of the literature on marriage is just opinion, there is one researcher whose work is outstanding–psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D. For over three decades Gottman has carefully observed, videotaped, and studied social and physiological responses (e.g. heart rate) of more than 2,000 of couples. His research has found several principles that distinguish marriages that work. After all, marriages may be made in heaven, but a lot of the details have to be worked out on earth.

One principle is that successful couples know a lot about each other. For example, do you know your spouse’s (or paramour’s) favorite movie, book, flower, dessert, or perfect way to spend a Sunday afternoon? If not, ask. Another principle is that they have fond memories about their relationship. Every marriage has its difficult times and challenges. In successful marriages, people savor and fondly remember the good times and let the bad memories wither or see the humor in them.

Another principle is that the couples have at least five times as many positive interactions as negative interactions. This is simple conditioning and common sense. If many of the interactions were negative, who would want to stay in the marriage? Yet another principle is that couples have fond feeling for each other, admire each other, and let their partners influence them. Have you told your partner lately how much you admire him or her?

One of the most interesting contemporary marriages is James Carville and Mary Matalin’s marriage. He was President Clinton’s campaign manager and is a frequent television commentator. She was deputy campaign manager for George Bush Sr. and has her own television and radio program. They have coauthored a book and a baby. Do they have nothing in common because they are passionate spokespeople for opposing parties, or do they have a lot in common because of their passion for politics? Whether couples have much in common has more to do with what they perceive than objective measures. Couples who stay together look for commonalities and respect and tolerate differences.

Each of these is in your control. If you don’t believe me, ask your spouse if you could do better. If you are going to stay married, it is certainly worth making your marriage an enjoyable and rewarding marriage. As Gottman put it, “A romantic night out really turns up the heat only when a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways.” Gottman’s books can be very helpful and would be good to read and discuss with your spouse. His books include: Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Gottman’s and other marital principles are also covered in the chapter on marriage in Defy Aging.

Unfortunately, most Americans don’t place a high enough priority on our marriages and martial skills to make a marriage last even a few decades. And even if we do, we may have to deal with a spouse dying. Consequently, we need to become very skilled at beginning and ending relationships. If every time a relationship doesn’t work out our lives sound like a country and western song, we will wear ourselves out. Rather we want to be able to say something like: I’m glad we had the relationship. We both grew a lot and learned a lot and became better persons. I hope we can remain friends. What do I need to do now?

Benjamin Franklin’s advice to a person starting a new relationship would be, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.”