Lighter Side: 10 Ways To Get Rid Of Your Roommate

In a retreat from my normal quasi-serious articles on housing-related issues, I present here a guide to getting rid of your roommate.

Whether your roommate is driving you crazy (check out some of the posts at our website) or you have a best friend who wants to move in, these tips can help give you ideas on how to eliminate that unwanted housemate.

Disclaimer: don’t take the suggestions in this article seriously. The suggestions here are all for entertainment purposes only.

1. Mess with their head

This one’s usually the most fun to implement; you can let your creativity go wild. Let your roommate come back to your apartment and “catch” you watching midget porn. Even better, have a friend well-versed at video-editing software edit you into the midget porn movie. Leave issues of some questionable magazines out in the open. Get caught rolling around in your roommate’s bed wearing women’s underwear (if you’re a guy). The world is really your oyster on this one.

2. Scare them

Another classic. Let him see you reading books, reading articles, and watching movies about how to get away with murder. Buy some knives and start stabbing some of the people in your roommate’s photographs. Draw bulls-eyes around his/her friends and write dates next to them.

3. Attack their fears

This requires some actual getting-to-know your roommate. Hopefully at this point in the co-living relationship, you have some idea of their main phobias. Are they afraid of animals? Why not surprise them on Halloween and throw 100 rabid squirrels on their bed?

4. Be super clingy

Nothing freaks somebody out like a guy/girl who is attached to their hip. Always ask where they’re going when they leave the apartment and ask if you can tag along. If they say no, just follow behind them. When the roommate gets to their final destination, you should somehow “accidentally” bump into them there.

5. Watch them while they sleep

This one takes some patience. While they’re sleeping, just pull up a chair and sit right in front of their face. Prepare a dirty, heavy breathing sound (think Hannibal Lecter combined with Darth Vader) and use it at a moderate volume. If you have no luck waking them up, don’t be afraid to kick up the volume a few notches. When they wake up, act like you’re stumbling around for a story, and then ask “Can I borrow a pencil?”

6. Get sociopathic

This one’s also fun. Never talk to your roommate directly. If you need to talk to him, go to a different room and call him on your cellular phone. If he tries talking to you directly, tell your imaginary friend to tell your roommate your response. Never make eye contact with him/her.

7. True Love

Take a bunch of pictures of your roommate. Bring one of the pictures (preferably with them wearing as little clothing as possible) to Kinko’s and have them blow up the picture to as big of a banner as possible and post it above your bed. Also, keep a bottle of lube and a box of Kleenex next to your bed. Try to cover up as much surface area on the rest of your walls with the other pictures of your roommate.

8. Go Single White Female

Dye and cut your hair to the same style as your roommate. Get a new wardrobe that completely matches your roommate’s and make sure you wear exactly what they wear that day. If they have any kitschy phrases that they use, make sure you pick those up and start using them as often as possible.

9. Become a Nudist

One day out of the blue (preferably when his/her parents or relatives are visiting), take off all of your clothes and announce that you have become a nudist. Make sure to sit as close as possible to your roommate whenever you can and rub up against him/her. Do the same with their friends.

10. Blend

Keep a hamster and some goldfish in your living room. Blend a Metamucil shake every morning, saying that you need more fiber in your diet. One day, get rid of your hamster and add a lot of ketchup into your shake. Make sure your roommate sees you drinking it and say “you had a good run” while you chug the shake. The next day, get rid of the goldfish and do the same.

I can almost guarantee that after implementation of all 10 of these steps, you will get rid of your roommate. Of course, there are millions of other ways to accomplish the same goal. Use some creativity and have some fun.