Free From Me

After all we’d been through, taking my husband back was the easy part. Rebuilding trust was so much harder.

In January 2005 my husband and I reconciled.

I told myself that I would never take him back if he cheated again, especially if he got her pregnant.

But to tell the truth, I have learned to never say never.

Especially when God has the final say.

I remember telling my mother-in-law that the chapter of my life with her son was over and that I was closing that chapter forever. Now, my husband’s mother is one of those COGIC, older, hat wearing, sanctified, mothers of the church, who also happens to be an Evangelist. She is sweet as peach cobbler, but do not mess with her in the spirit. She calmly said in a very soft whisper, “But did God say the chapter was over? Until He says it’s over, it ain’t over baby”.

“Goodbye Mom.” I hung up the phone.

Many of our conversations ended that way. She had a way of telling me what I didn’t want to hear. And it always seemed to come at all the wrong times. She would even call me at 5 in the morning, pray for me, and end with the phrase, “Thus saith the Lord and it is done”. Then she would just hang up. Thinking back on that day makes me smile because I have learned that again-- it’s not about me.

I know I obeyed God and agreed to reconcile, but was I ready for the journey that I was about to go on? It has been 2 years and I am just now becoming truly free. It does not happen overnight. It is a process.

“I am free… Praise the lord I’m free… No longer bound… No more chains holding me…. My soul is resting…. It’s just a blessing…. Praise the Lord Hallelujah I’m free…”

I first heard that song over 12 years ago, sung by my sister-in-law, with a sweet angelic voice, before a sermon preached by my mother-in-law. I didn’t know at the time how much it would truly minister to me and be a part of my healing all these years later. The average person would assume the words to that song are about someone who is locked behind bars, in jail or chained up. You could also make the assumption that it refers to someone who has passed on to be with the Lord (“My soul is resting”). But none of those interpretations apply to how the song ministers to me. My freedom is within. It has nothing to do with my husband but everything to do with me. I had to work on me.

The voices in my head, the anxiety and the torture let me know that a war was taking place inside me. No, I wasn’t loony or crazy but I could have easily become that way, so I don’t take it for granted. I thank the Lord daily for waking me up in my right mind. No, I was my own biggest enemy. Peace in my mind is what I pray for daily because I truly would have lost my mind if I didn’t have God on my side. That is one thing I would not trade for any amount of money. What good is having money if you don’t have peace of mind? You can’t buy peace and if you could, it would expire. Plus-- anything purchased can be exchanged.

“Where you going?”
“What time will you be back?”
“Are you taking the kids with you?”

Those are some of the questions I had to ask when my husband wanted to go somewhere after we reconciled. What is trust? In the dictionary trust is confidence, belief, assurance, certainty and faith.

My son went practically everywhere his father did when he first returned home. He didn’t do it because I made this rule; my husband did it to reassure me, and maybe to reassure himself.

When my husband first came home (and still to this day), he did everything in his power to make me feel at ease. He called everyday at the same time when he was at work. He would stay on the phone with me each time he was out of my presence. He called on his way to work and on his way from work. He would call me during every break he had when he was at work.
It was a huge effort on his end. And I know it must have taken a toll.

On my end it was torture. Not when he called but those times when he couldn’t call.

My heart would start beating really fast. Thoughts would flood my mind.

He would come home 5 minutes late and I turned into a television drama show detective.

He did everything in his power to assist me in rebuilding my trust. The funny thing is, he was doing all that he knew how to do on his end. But once trust has been shattered it’s gone for good. Trust for me had lost the ‘T’. It was no longer TRUST but RUST. That’s how I felt, it was rusty, like something metal that had been sitting in the rain for years and was no longer good for anything.

On the outside I had it together but on the inside the war was taking place. It was me against. me. It was personal. It was within.

I forgot to tell him something one morning so I called his phone.

Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
No answer.
Voice mail.

Ok, now the war in my mind has called in more troops. It’s on now.

“Where is he?”
Who is he with?”
“He doesn’t love me.”
“He is at it again.”
My stomach started to turn, and more thoughts came to my mind.
“Why did I take him back?”
“This is too much for me.”
“I am going to tell him I can’t do this.”

Ring. He called me back a few minutes later. I answered on the first ring.

Here comes that crazy tongue.

Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!( James 3:5)

“Where were you?”
“What were you doing?”
“Why did it take you 5 minutes to call me back?”

Very patiently he said, “Whoa, um Nicole, I was working and it is 10:30am. I love you.”
“Oh.”

We hung up. I never told him what I originally wanted.

Sounds crazy huh? This is just one of the episodes that let me know that this was bigger than me. The truth was, it was only 10:30 am and he was working.

The process begins.

I then began to pray this prayer each day: “Lord keep him, if You don’t keep him than he just can’t and won’t be kept”. I couldn’t watch him all the time, but the angels could. I had to turn it over to my heavenly Father who gave me peace when I was alone. After all it was his Father too. So I went to Daddy on him.

MY RESUME

Then I looked back over my spiritual resume. I keep a resume on what God has delivered me from. These are things I know without a shadow of a doubt. “If it had not been for the Lord on my side I would not have made it.” And this was one of those times. I reviewed my ‘peace’ section and saw how He calmed me, and kept me in my right mind when my husband had walked away. Surely He would do it for me now. Then I decided that God brought me to far to lose it now. He walked with me through one of the roughest periods in my life and I refuse to allow all the work he did to me and for me to be deleted from my spiritual resume. No one, not even me, has the right to take it from me and have it removed from my resume. It was sacred to me. The Lord restored my peace and I was not going to allow it to be taken from me. It was precious; a gift that could not be purchased and could never be sold.

As women, we love very hard but when we hurt-- we hurt hard.

In the beginning I thought my husband had to do all the work in rebuilding my trust. What I had to realize was that it was MY trust, so it was MY issue. He couldn’t change anything that had to do with me. And I could not change him. He could set the atmosphere, but ultimately I (with the Lord’s help) had to decide to trust again. Not rebuild that old trust which was rusted and good for nothing. I had to allow God to give me a brand new trust and that meant that I must first commit my husband, my marriage and my family to Him. Then somebody made the mistake of telling me that God was a keeper of all things. So since I have committed them, now He must keep them.

Guard your spiritual resume. When you are struggling in an area, go to it and review your sections. If you don’t have one, create one, even if you commit it to memory.

Do you have a peace section?

I do.