Reality Check Anyone?

Does it seem like it’s harder to be in a relationship lately? Have the words “I can’t take this anymore!” been uttered in your own relationship? How about you or your partner expecting perfection from each other? When judgment and criticism start multiplying in a relationship that is your hint that the downhill slide is starting.

As a physician, part of my practice has to do with counseling. Usually that has to do with the individual’s lifestyle practices, with the aim of moving into a healthier state of being. Lately it seems there is an increase in couples counseling requests in my office.

These last few weeks I have observed many people seemingly going crazy, or at least losing their emotional balance. To my surprise, I am finding that the craziness reaches much deeper than I have seen over the last 30 years. To put it bluntly, people have lost their rational minds…I will even go so far as to say they are becoming stupid. Either that, or the stupid are finding their way to MY office!

I find this alarming. Not that it’s alarming that the intelligence-challenged are coming to see me, but rather that these are previously ‘normal’ people who are losing their abilities to apply common-sense. There are quite a few reasons this may be happening (see a previous article: “Going Crazy And Don’t Know Why?”). This article will discuss relationship problems only, and from a logical reasoning standpoint.

First, let me recommend The Center For Non-Violent Communication (www.cnvc.org) for those who already realize they need a better way to communicate within the relationship. Next, ask yourself and your partner a few key questions:

Key Relationship Questions

Do you love me?
Are you willing to work on our relationship?
Do you agree that we both may have ‘baggage’ that is triggered by certain things (words, actions, places)?
Do we agree to treat each other with honesty and integrity?

If you get a’ yes’ answer to those questions, you are ready to proceed. A ‘no’ pretty much spells disaster, or at least a delay while the other issues are being worked through. For instance, if either person has a problem with honesty or integrity, it is vital that those basic virtues be tackled first.

Even in the midst of hysterical crying, the questions must be asked, and answered. I find it helps to get the person’s attention, then ask them to promise that they will be completely honest—especially with themselves.

The promise part is extremely important. If you are unable to get that promise-- “I’ll try”, “If I can”--and such, give up until you are able to get an uncluttered agreement. Or, for those confrontational types like myself, you can always point out that try is a null answer. As noted by Yoda (from the movie Star Wars): “There is no try. There is only do, or do not.”

One important point is that someone must be rational and not triggered to do this during an argument. If the balance needed cannot be maintained, then it’s time to take a class or go see a professional. After all, it is difficult to be rational and honest when you are really angry!

Patience is one virtue that is absolutely necessary to be able to work through most relationship difficulties. Perhaps the following true story from my practice will illustrate this better:

Picture this: hysterical partner A threatens divorce and to ruin partner B’s reputation in the community by telling everyone all about things B did 20 years ago.

The cause is a small misunderstanding between the partners that could have been defused by partner B giving partner A a few more sentences to explain the situation better.

The trigger for A is B raising his voice in trying to get compliance when A is trying to explain her reluctance to do so. B thinks A is being stupid, but does not actually say this. A has her feelings hurt, which triggers memories of her horrible childhood, resulting in a hysterical reaction.

B is shocked and has his feelings hurt by the threat of betrayal from the one he loves and trusts. B leaves. A dissolves into hysterical tears and makes plans to take the children and bring in the police (for something that occurred 20 years ago).

At this point, B contacts the family physician, requesting help for A. The physician (me) calls A and is met with hysteria and nothing that makes any sense. A agrees to come in the next day for counseling. B wisely stays away overnight to compose himself, and agrees to bring A to the office for the appointment.

The next day, A is calm, having visited another practitioner first, to remove a curse (don’t laugh, it still happens in this day and age…and is increasing). While calm, A is still not able to rationally consider her part in the drama. When asked about the argument, A relates it exactly as B has (thankfully). Partner A promises she will be completely honest. Asked to describe why her feelings were hurt, she states: “Because I am Love, and Kindness…and he hurt my feelings….AND SO I WANTED TO REALLY HURT HIM!!”

At that point, I had to laugh, and ask the obvious question: “Does that sound like Love and Kindness to you?” Watching the haze slowly lift from A’s eyes, it took her a few minutes to realize the obvious, which she then was able to admit. After discussing REALITY for a while, she finally realized honesty with self comes first.

Also important to remember is that none of us is perfect. In the scenario above, Partner A stated she only wanted gentleness, love and kindness in her relationship, and she would divorce Partner B and leave if he didn’t comply. Part of her Reality Check was to point out that she was not dealing with reality, but with fantasy…here in the Real World, none of us is perfect. Added to that, partner B is a saint compared to most partners.

My standard comment to those who say; “my Inner Child needs to be heard!” (followed by 45 minutes of whining) is: “Your Inner Child needs its’ little butt kicked!” My point here is that we have had enough molly-coddling, sensitivity classes. It’s about time we went for complete honesty and integrity in ALL our relationships, be they romantic or business. I’m not advocating that we drop our compassion; only that we get real.

Reality cuts through the crap and allows quicker resolution of problem states. Let’s start thinking outside the box, and finding the elegant solution…the win—win—win situation in all things.

(C)2007 Dr. Valerie Olmsted, All Rights Reserved