You Taught Them To Treat You That Way

“Everyone in your life treats you the way you taught them to treat you,” my professor said. The class sat, open-mouthed. We were studying social learning theory, otherwise known as behaviorism. In behaviorism, what you do is seen as the key to life. Our professor gave one exception, “You can run into a criminal who just hurts people. That can happen randomly. Everyone else––you taught.”

We taught those rotten no-goods who were driving us crazy to do what they did to us? If we were going to pass that class, we had to give the idea lip service. It turned out to be one of the most powerful concepts I know.

Recently, I was involved in a group. It was a way above average group in terms of the members’ intelligence and ability. Like all groups, it had a power hierarchy and values. It had rules: Only talk about things that show you to be charming, smart, or skilled. Don’t talk about your feelings, especially if they might show. Don’t comment on or notice the group’s functioning.

After existing under these rules for six months, I felt like a three year old: powerless and impotent. My feelings came to a peak and I was ready to quit. The words of that professor, uttered years ago, came to me. “You taught them to treat you that way.”

I realized that I had. Those rules would box me in and strip me of power. I accepted them. What did I do after realizing that?

1. I made a clear, specific list of what I had been doing and stopped those behaviors. If what you’re doing it isn’t working, stop doing it.

2. I made contact with people who did value me. Some I told about what was happening––tea and sympathy is good, as long as you look at what you did to create your situation. Some I just dropped a line, said, “Hi.” Hang with those who bring you up.

3. I wrote this article. I’m down in the trenches like you, trying to manage life day by day. One of the most powerful things you can do to heal yourself is pass on your learning and help others.

4. I recognized that I would never make it in that group. I wrote a list of my needs and ways to fulfill them, and moved to get what I really wanted from people who value me.

You may say, “Well, yeah. You can leave that group, but my husband beats me. He’d kill me if I left.” Or, “But it’s my boss. He scares me and hurts my feelings, but my job depends upon doing what he says.”

Sadistic bullies are out there. Some are very dangerous. You can get free. It may take all your courage and smarts, but you can do it. I say this, having ordered Hell’s Angels types out of my house and having left some very scary, toxic people.

Make a plan to free yourself and do it. Get help from the law or domestic violence support networks. Seek counseling. Job counseling, too. Other jobs exist. Psychological abuse can be regarded as appropriate “tough guy” business behavior. It’s not. I’ve worked with some of the best management trainers in the world. They don’t operate like that.

Know that who you are––the true you––is great. You deserve the best. What are you teaching others now? What do you want to teach them? Do that.