Offering A Helping Hand During Deep Personal Loss

“My friend of 15 years has just lost her husband to a terrible accident. I want to support her in any way I can, but I'm not sure how to help.”

“My favorite aunt has just passed away. My niece is devastated by the loss. Though we have been very close in the last few years, I am unable to help her get over her loss.”

A grieving person is often a dilemma to those around him/her. On the one hand, there is a lurking fear of offering trite words of sympathy; on the other, close friends and relatives cannot step away from the grieving person compelled as they are by their own immense sense of love, loyalty and duty. Not everyone needs the same kind of support and this seems to be the crux of the problem.

A grieving person does not need a lot of advice, although a very few do. At the moment of grief, he or she needs to manage the difficult experience of parting. Simply listen, hold hands or sit quietly. When we are faced with someone else's grief, we scramble in our minds groping for the right things to say. We forget that people dealing with loss often have a great urgency to communicate their powerful emotions. A willingness to listen and to simply be there may sometimes be the most solid support you can offer.

Contrary to what popular Hollywood flicks show us, telling a grieving person to 'be strong and hold on' is not the best advice to share. Most people in grief are overwhelmed by the intensity of their own emotions. Asking them to 'hold on' encourages them to bottle up their grief and put up a brave front. This only makes matters worse. Instead, persuade your loved one to share and express his or her deepest fears and emotions.

Even when a person is grieving, there are practical necessities to be taken care of. But at such a time, the demands and tasks of daily living can become overpowering. You can express your support by offering to do odd jobs like gardening, babysitting, paying the bills, cooking or cleaning. Encourage your loved one to take you up on these offers.

In the majority of cases, grieving does not take a linear path; it undulates and fluctuates with the passing of time. It may take an individual several months or years to get over his or her loss. Contrary to what most of us believe, people feel their loss most acutely - not immediately- but a few weeks after all support systems have been withdrawn. That is why it is common to find people mourning their loss most intensely during an anniversary or birthday. Re-engaging in life is perhaps the only long-term solution to get over the most bitter pangs of grief. As a friend or loyal supporter, help your loved one discover new experiences and events. Encourage him or her to find healthy ways to release feelings of pain and anger - such as writing a journal, exercising or volunteer work. Even when a person seems to be moving on, take care not to brush away memories of the past in a casual manner.

Depending on how much trauma a person has gone through, he or she may exhibit physical and mental reactions to grief. Depression, lack of concentration, anxiety, feelings of guilt and hopelessness may follow the loss of someone dear. Common physical symptoms include headaches, loss of appetite, fatigue or insomnia. Extreme symptoms may include chest pain or the total loss of appetite, in which case a physician must be consulted. A person weakened by grief may overlook his or her own problems. As a friend you can help by providing the necessary support.

We all live our lives with the awareness of approaching death. Still, whenever it occurs, death finds us totally unprepared. So it is common for grieving people to react in a seemingly illogical manner. As an onlooker, you have to understand that you cannot take grief away from anyone. You can only help them face their feelings and overcome them.