How To Completely Mess Up Your Wedding

Are you as sick and tired as me of boring weddings where everything goes off without a hitch and everyone involved looks like something out of a made for TV movie? Whatever happened to a good old fashioned wedding day catastrophe? You know, the kind where the fire sprinklers blow, the groomsmen are wearing light blue tuxedos and the dog eats the wedding cake? Not to worry, here are some tips on completely botching every last detail on your big day.

First things first, you’ll need to decide where to hold the ceremony. There are many obvious choices here that I could go with. The justice of the peace, town hall, or even a local park (hopefully it will rain.) These aren’t bad enough. What you’ll need to do is plan the ceremony at a church or synagogue, depending on your religious affiliation, that is nowhere near where anyone involved lives, ever lived, or would ever consider living. It should be at least a two hour drive for everyone. The fact that it is nobodies hometown, nobodies current residence and nobodies future residence will not go unnoticed by anyone.

Next, you’ll need to choose the worst possible venue to host your wedding. Your backyard you say? That won’t do unless you live in a rented high rise apartment. Your local men’s club possibly? Again, that’s way out of our league. We need a venue that is going to disgust both side of the family, both the groom’s and brides, as well as all of the guests over the age of 6 months. The only answer is your local bowling alley. They have a lounge out back and you’ll only need room for 30 or so guests (the acceptance rate on your invitations won’t be too high when it says “Reception to follow at King Pin Bowling Lanes”.) Top it off by making it a cash bar that prominently features a “Tips for the bride and groom” jar.

Once you have this locked up, you’ll want to make sure that the invitations are sent out hand written and without return postage. Your positive response rate wasn’t going to be high anyway, but this will help clear out the riff raff. Actually, this will clear out the quality people and insure the riff raff make it!

Next, you’ll want to plan the menu. This is easy enough, salad bar and pizza. This will probably be the only thing the bowling alley can handle anyway. As you can see, if you start this correctly from the beginning, everything will fall into line. Oh, and don’t forget the bowl of cashews on each table for appetizers.

How about your first song? There are many choices here. “Used to love her” by Guns & Roses is great for all you cynics out there. Looking for something cheesy? How about “Islands in the Stream” by the great Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton? There are definitely different ways to go on this one. For my money, there is only one choice on this crucial piece of the puzzle, “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye. While by itself a great song, this is sure to subtly offend everyone involved.

We’re now onto the bride’s and groom’s attire. Of course, you’ll need to go light blue for the guy’s. While some might argue that this is too obvious, there really is no other choice. For the girls dresses, we have one word – sequins.

The final piece of the puzzle is the wedding cake. You can’t be so obvious here as to go with a store bought cake like a crumb cake or a pound cake but you would certainly be on the right track. These would actually taste too good. What you’ll want to do is make this yourself or have a baker make it but under no circumstances are you to add sugar. This will create a nice buzz at the end of the evening ensuring that your disastrous wedding will be talked about for years to come.

I tried not to talk about the obvious choices for a disastrous wedding such as car breakdowns on the way to the church or bachelor party confessions during the best man speech. We all know that these types of things will certainly add to a terrible wedding day so feel free to add any or all of them.