Dating After Divorce

My divorce was final when I was 28. It was February 10, 2004, my son’s birthday to be exact. I wish I could explain all of the emotions that were waving through me, but I’m afraid it would take too long. There was a sense of excitement… We had been in the process of the divorce for two years, so I was more than ready to be done. Fear; I have kids and am not 20 anymore, who dates a divorce’ with kids and a career? Confusion; Did I want to date? Did I want to bring anyone around my kids? How do you start back into “the game”?

The biggest part of dating after your 20’s is to be comfortable with who you are. If you cannot accept yourself and all your imperfections, how do you expect anyone else to? The point of being you is to be the best you that is possible. You cannot compare yourself to all the people you would love to be. Be you, and be happy. Easier said than done, I know. There are countless ways to become more positive and happy with your self image. The “self help” rage is in full blast right now, and you can find books, CD’s and just about anything else you would ever want everywhere you turn. My advice would be to look through a few and find a style and type that you are comfortable with. My husband (I got remarried) and I offer services, but we know that we cannot cater to everyone. The biggest part of finding a program/ person to help you with your self esteem is to know what you are trying to accomplish.

Many people have difficulty in meeting people. They do not have the personality that is comfortable to just walk up and say “hello”. You don’t have to! You can make them come to you. My husband and I teach matching and mirroring, which is a way to build rapport and comfort with someone from across a room. Imagine your ideal way to meet someone and begin working towards it.

If you are the kind of person who is outgoing and has no problem talking to anyone, but cannot keep a relationship going past the first date or two, perhaps you need to look at your patterns. What do I mean? Well, do you date the same kind of people? Are they all business professionals who make a certain amount or drive a particular kind of car? Do you only date men younger/ older than you? Do they have certain hobbies? Establish what interests you, and what happens in those first few dates. Do you always break things off when the date hits a certain point? Do you get uncomfortable if someone wants to advance the relationship in a different way? Find what the common thread is. Take a close look, there is one somewhere in there. Find it and then you can work on moving past it. It may be something painful in your past, or an insecurity you hold onto.

With hypnosis (which I do) you can take an event that was painful and erase the feeling. The memory is there, but the hurt is gone. You can also achieve certain personal goals, like overcoming the limiting beliefs you have set on yourself. You may not even realize how ingrained they have become.

So now what if you don’t have any of the above listed problems, but you are just unhappy in every relationship you develop? You need to follow the above advice, but take a look at your spouse/ mate too. You need to understand how to communicate and how to keep negative transferences away from each other. An example of this would be if you come home every day in a terrible mood from work, and your spouse meets you at the door. Sounds great, but after weeks of this, suddenly you start to get angry when you see your spouse. Why? Because you have “anchored” them to the feeling you had when you were coming in from work. It is like when you smell cookies baking and think of grandma’s house. (If you would like information on anchoring, there are dozens of books on the web, or you can contact us and we will point you in the right direction.) I have seen countless relationships saved that were on the brink of destruction simply by opening the lines of communication and developing an understanding of how language, both verbal and physical, affect your life.

Happy Dating!

Nikki Gladwell, Hypnotist