Relationship Conflicts - Part 2

"WE NEED TO SPEAK" vs. "LEAVE ME ALONE"

Some people solve their problems by talking; others by retreating into themselves. When these two types form a close personal relationship, conflicts may ensue.

Let us say that Mary has a need to communicate her feelings, needs, fears and/or the family problems to her husband. John, on the other hand, consuming most of his energy professionally, has a need to be quiet and not very communicative when at home. He might be programmed to believe that men do not have much to do with family affairs, that they are distant, not expressive of emotions, or that it is a sign of weakness for men to express emotions.

He does not feel at ease with the type of discussions Mary would like to have about their relationship, her feelings and her and the children’s needs. John loves and cares about his family, but does not feel at all comfortable in this realm of emotions. He might think, "Can’t they see my love and caring through the way I exhaust myself at work everyday for them? What else do they want? I just want to sit here, be quiet, and rest my mind from all these problems at work."

Mary would love to share John’s professional problems, to hear about them and discuss them, but he does not feel comfortable discussing such things with "a woman." Mary, on the other hand, needs more affirmation of John’s caring through communication. She desires more attention so she can be sure she is still important to him. She is beginning to feel doubtful about her attractiveness as a woman. She may occasionally fear that John is not really interested in her anymore (perhaps he has found someone else to satisfy his emotional and physical needs).

Thus, the situation is something like this: Mary approaches John, feeling a need to talk about their relationship and the family. There may even be important decisions to be made or serious problems with the children. Not getting the response she would like, Mary accumulates feelings of rejection, hurt and resentment. She begins to expect rejection from John and starts blaming him, criticizing him for not performing his responsibilities as a householder, husband and father.

Mary’s accusations hurt John, causing him to retreat further into himself and cut Mary short almost immediately in her attempts to communicate. He begins to avoid her as much as possible. This makes her feel even more rejected, abused and perhaps angry.

As a consequence, Mary feels an even greater need to pressure him to communicate. Sometimes she becomes unpleasant, desperate, demanding and even aggressive. John, out of his fear and aversion to being forced into doing something he does not feel comfortable doing,, becomes equally aggressive, perhaps even violent, in order to protect himself from Mary’s needs and accusations.

This creates a vicious circle in which both Mary and John become increasingly alienated, each feeling abused and believing that he or she is right. Communication breaks down and they either separate or live together (for the children or out of habit) without any communication whatsoever.

I have seen many Marys and Johns sit before me at counseling sessions in which we have tried together to establish a new channel and mode of communication. Each was always sure that he or she was right and that the other was wrong, but in my thirty years of working on relationship problems, I have yet to see even one case in which one was right and the other was wrong. In each case, I see two people who have basically the same needs (love, attention, self-affirmation, freedom of expression, harmony, respect, etc.), but different programmings concerning how to satisfy them.

It never occurred to them that both are right in light of their childhood programmings and they have come together because they have something to learn from each other. In such a case, John could learn to overcome his programmings about how a man must react and behave. He can overcome his fear of expressing emotions and sharing his weaknesses, fears and concerns with his wife. He can learn to be open and more expressive, and not fear her needs.

Mary could learn to have more self-confidence, more self-acceptance. She could let go of the need to discuss everything, and develop a sense of discretion as to what absolutely must be discussed. She can get free from talking as a means of verifying John’s interest and love.

Mary can learn to talk less and John can learn to talk more. Then they would find harmony. But often, rather than move towards each other, each moves into his or her own "camp" and becomes even more extreme, John more reticent, and Mary more demanding. This is further complicated by the "who is right" game which we mentioned earlier.

Another factor that sometimes complicates matters is when Mary, or whoever the talkative one is, uses his or her talking ability to prove that the other is wrong and that he or she is right. In such cases, when we have approached someone a number of times supposedly to discuss something, and each time we have managed to prove (through our superior debating ability) that the other is wrong and that we are right, the other will obviously start avoiding us. The next time the other sees us coming, he or she will find some way, pleasant or unpleasant, to avoid discussion. I have seen many "smart" men and women corner their spouses enough times so as to force them simply to stop communicating. The pressured one learns to play the role of the "Intimidator" or the "Aloof" to keep the talker at a distance.

Thus, all those "superior communicators" who feel bitter about their spouse’s, child’s or parent’s refusal to communicate with them should check whether or not they might be playing the "who’s right" game through their superior communicative ability. If this is so, they will have to correct this before the other will be willing to communicate again with them. It might take time to prove to the other that they have given up this game.

How can we do this? Accept and love ourselves and the other exactly as we are, and understand that there are as many "rights" as there are people. We can put ourselves in his or her position and understand what he or she is feeling. We need to understand that although we have different perceptions, we can both be right.

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love"