My Startling Revelation Requires A Brave Heart

I have had a time of personal revelation recently. Interestingly, many things have been brought together at this perfect time to show me some very dangerous behaviors I’ve developed over the last twenty plus years of my life, why they developed, and taking me to a point of choice.

I have found that my resistance to organization and schedules, which makes no sense when it fits my job description and my personality, in fact, those who know me describe me as an organizer, is tied into my feelings of being controlled by my ocd husband. Currently, I am working with coach, a very structure-oriented woman who is teaching me how to have more free time, more productive business time, by structuring and scheduling all my available time. A new diet I’ve begun is well suited to her teaching as it requires journaling, food logging online, meal planning; a very accountable system. Why with my organizational disposition do I have such a resistance to organization and scheduling outside of my administrative work at the church?

One stark moment that I will never forget, I was listening to the diet cd I purchased from my new diet plan. The speaker directed me through the visualization of walking into a room full of your favorite food. I had decided my room was full of different kinds of chips and dips with some pizza to top it off. The speaker asks questions at each step and what I visualized blew me away. I walked into the room and smiled. I was alone. I was delighted with the variety and abundance of things that I really like and do not typically eat, because I cannot take the additional calories without ballooning in size. It made me happy as I perused the table tasting this and that, nice-sized bites, not gobbling nor nibbling, just tasting one, then looking things over and tasting another, being fully aware that I was alone. As the speaker asked how I felt, I thought "free and relaxed and happy" and he asked why, I said, "because he can't control me here." I swear I almost hit the brakes and tears came to my eyes. The answer came so effortlessly and was so clear.

I realized how many times I hid in the kitchen taking a bite or two of a cake, pie, or ice cream that I was putting into a bowl to take to him. It's not even that I really, really wanted it, but that he couldn't see that I had some and judge me for it. I realized how often, when he works a 14 hr. day and my son and I are alone for supper, I order pizza, hoagies and breadsticks and eat until I burst in front of the television watching something my son and I like, but my husband doesn't. I saw how many times I put away the leftovers and kept picking because he left the kitchen and went on to something else. Instead of having seconds or little extra in front of him, I slipped down extras out of his sight when the food was cooled and not at its best, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I ate whatever I wanted when he walked out of the room.

The reality that I have sabotaged myself for 23 yrs. by replacing my lack of ability to be as strong as him with what I could get away with out of his sight came flying into my awareness. Fighting things out was tiresome and I always lost. He's so judgmental and critical of overweight people, making mean jokes. It really hurts me to hear his comments. Even though it is not directed at me: IT MUST BE WHAT HE IS THINKING OF ME is all I can hear in my head. The last I want him to see is my eating a piece of the cake I just baked! I ate normally in front of him and at all times when I was seriously dieting, but off the rigidity of a diet, I was “getting away with it” behind his back and in control of myself, I thought.

My mind is spinning just putting this down "on paper" so to speak. I cannot believe that it never dawned on me that this was true. My sister said that very thing to me one time, that she thought I ate because he couldn't control what I put in my mouth and I was actually offended at the thought - like I couldn't control myself mentally or that I would stoop to playing mind games. I told her that wasn't it, strongly, not angrily, but letting her know that I disagreed. My argument went something like this, “I have done so many diets and lost weight, but going back to eating the same things I cook for him and the kids, eating out, eating like they eat (appetizer through dessert) is just too much food for me to be able to maintain weight loss or a particular weight. If 3/4 of us are eating this way, then they're normal, I'm not. I can see my rationalization, but feel extremely cheated. It's unfair that I'm unable to eat the same way they do. If I cook a big meat, potatoes, veggie, bread, salad, dessert meal, I should be able to eat some of all of it! If my husband is requiring those kinds of meals, then he's just going to have to let go of the perfect-sized wife idea.” Again, I fooled myself into thinking I was retaining some control - but it is only ME that's suffering.

This is really a life-altering discovery for me. I cannot believe I did that to myself. As hard as this realization is, I am so thankful that it's come. It's time for a breakthrough and I think that this diet is part of that plan. A wonderful mentor said to me a couple of months ago, “Let go of those things that are not serving you.” I took that to mean low-energy emotions, mindless activity, non-priorities. I now see its application to my food and relationship issues. The secret revenge eating, the anti-control eating, the sometimes “try and stop me” eating, is only hurting me. It is not serving me.

I believe that God is in control ultimately and, although we have the freedom of choice at all times, He will bring things into our lives that allow us the choice to change, to wake up, to grow, to move through the current quicksand we feel stuck in and out the other side to a new level of freedom and understanding. I think that's exactly where I am right now, moving through that muck, seeing some daylight at the other side. Lord knows that this weight I’m carrying around feels just like one might feel attempting to swim or walk through quicksand! The baggage of relationship issues is piled up in the backpack as well. He has brought me into a business that is all about personal development, something that literally astounded me. My thoughts were, "What in the world does this have to do with network marketing or direct sales?" Yet, this journey has led me to amazing coaches and teachings. God has brought me into Braveheart Women. He has also presented me with this new accountable diet. I don't believe it was an accident and I'm taking this very seriously, unlike many things I did just because my family or a group was doing it or it was the next diet on a magazine cover. This time I am going in with my mind open, my eyes open, my ears open and my mouth under control.

One year from now, I am in a new, cute bathing suit actually feeling pretty good about myself as I pack for vacation. I have clothes that I bought in the normal ladies' section, not the women's plus size area. I'm looking forward to seeing my husband's eyes light up as I walk in to model my vacation outfits. My husband and I are happy and have continued to work through our issues daily. I am no longer feeling the need to find control or happiness from anything or anybody else. I am financially free which allows me to purchase proper, healthy, fresh foods and feed not only myself, but my family well. I am strong, not this 80 yr. old-feeling, 42 yr. old woman who cannot walk a theme park let alone fit comfortably in the rides. I feel light, look nice in my clothes, feel healthy and confident. Scheduling is my friend and I have time set aside for exercise, for personal growth, spiritual connection, for family, for business, for us and for me. I am no longer using food to feel in control, but I am in control of the food, and the rest of my life as well.

Feel free to hold me accountable, sisters, and join me if you like! Alex has made a similar commitment to change her lifestyle. Stop by my blog and let me know how you’re doing! I will update to let you know where I am.

God bless you and keep you,