Teens-They're Just Not That Into Us: Why Teens Don't Communicate And How We Should Respond

When our children are young, naturally we're pleased when they seek us out for advice, support, or consolation. Instinctively, we know that is our role, and providing guidance makes us feel valued and emotionally close to our kids. Great!

Then one day, it's like someone flips a switch, and suddenly the adorable boy who always wanted a hug to stop his tears, or the outgoing girl who couldn't wait to fill you in on all her friends, retreats into a cave of intensely personal thoughts and feelings. Why? Did we do something wrong? Was it something we said? How do we get past the "Keep Out" signs that our teen is suddenly posting by word and deed--or should we?

Communicating well with kids is always a challenge, but if we had to identify one age group that is especially challenging, I think most of us would say adolescence. The experience of growing up is both exciting and terrifying. Hourly surges of emotion shape the thoughts, choices, and behavior of teens. Some kids ride this emotional roller coaster better than others, but almost all teenagers feel they need some "space" to make the transition to early adulthood. And this is often where the trouble begins between parents and teenagers.

A Natural Need for Self-Absorption

Teens tend to be self-absorbed. When you see this change take place, remember that it's a necessary phase of growing up. Teenagers have a lot of things to figure out, and they feel stressed by much of it. It's instinctive for many parents to want to remain - or become - confidantes to help kids sort these things out. Yet teens are often hesitant to trust us, or acknowledge the value of our insights and life experience. In fact, many are adamant we "don't get it." During these years, kids are much more likely to rely on the guidance of peers than parents when it comes to making important decisions. Much to our concern and frustration, what "Tyler says" or" Jenna does" seems to carry a lot more weight what we say or do. The net result: teens communicate with adults on a need-to-know basis. Frankly, it doesn't occur to most kids that we require or are entitled to certain information - they're "just not that into us."

Acknowledging that teenagers have a natural need to focus inward doesn't mean we should throw up our hands and plan on reconnecting at their college graduation! Nor does this mean that teens who are being egotistical, or showing self-centered personality traits, should get a pass. But being self-absorbed simply means retreating into one's own mind to reflect and figure a few things out. And guess what happens when teens do this? They consciously or unconsciously send us signals that we're irrelevant to them. It could be as subtle as giving diffuse answers to our queries, or as assertive as wearing an iPod at the dinner table. In both cases, the message is, "work in progress - stay clear." If we personalize this message our feelings will inevitably be hurt. Hundreds of hours doing family therapy has shown me this only leads to a further breakdowns in communication.

Keep Conversation Topical

A good strategy to employ with retreating teenagers is keeping communication topical and specific. Rather than asking open-ended questions such as, "How's it going?," keep your discussions focused and concrete: "So what's the agenda for the senior ski trip?" Sometimes we mistake confusion for resistance when we try and talk with teens. Questions that require self-reflection or social insight, especially when asked of boys, can feel downright mystifying to them. When they don't know how to answer, a common reflex is to express irritation with the question. So goes the proverbial game of "cat and mouse" as we try pry information loose. Instead, try asking questions with more tangible answers. If you have the opportunity, ask about subjects they're interested in, or give them a chance to teach you something. At this vulnerable age, opportunities to feel competent, masterful or respected are especially valued.

If an adolescent opens the door to deeper conversation, try not to ask your second question before your teen has answered your first; and although it's okay to insist on an answer to some queries--even "I don't know"--you might want to limit the number of your queries to two or three per run. (Sometimes we're so happy that our teen is talking with us we blow it by overwhelming them with the fifty questions or observations we've been storing up.)

Find a Comfortable Tone

Modulating your vocal tone can open up doors when communicating with teenagers. For example, many adolescents use a slightly monotone voice as away of posting a "keep out" sign to adults. A laconic tone that seems to say, "I'm so cool and bored I can barely take the energy to move my lips," may be conveying something completely different. At least on a subconscious level, a teen may be thinking: "Check me out. I'm practicing being dispassionate and in control; I don't want you to notice me being childishly enthusiastic, or emotionally invested in what you value--that's my decision to make."

To make your communication less threatening, try adopting a similar tone. By eliminating some, or even most, of the emotion in your voice, you send a signal that it's "safe" to talk. It's a kind of promise not to over- react if they disclose something important. I believe it's especially important to avoid the kind of concerned tone we might use with a younger child. For kids who feel as if they are on the threshold of adulthood, hearing this concern feels condescending and regressive. They want to see and hear that we believe they can handle their own problems - and even if we don't completely believe that, it's still important to show a degree of confidence.

Does this mean we always have to tamp down our own enthusiasms and act unexpressive to mirror our teens? Of course not. Sometimes, the passionate expression of an adult, who exclaims, "This is exciting! Important! Interesting!" is just what is needed. But mentoring a teen can be like a game of chess. Tactics have to shift as the game unfolds. This is not deviousness--this is empathy, because we are noticing someone's emotional state and reacting accordingly.

Establish a Companionable Ritual

Timing is also a critical factor when it comes to talking with teens. When an adult says, "Can we have a talk?," you can almost see teenagers cringing in anticipation. They're thinking to themselves "What now?" or "Do I have to?" Why? Because nobody wants to walk into a negotiation as the unequal partner, and few teens, despite their defenses, feel completely sure of their emotional control or debating skills. You can limit such concerns by building a companionable ritual or two into your week. Perhaps you'll go out for breakfast on Saturdays, or walk the dog together one evening each week. The idea is to have something you do with an adolescent that isn't explicitly about talking. It's so much easier to talk about serious matter when such conversation is a backdrop to an activity. Movement - as in walking together - also helps alleviate stress and self- consciousness. Movement also helps activate hibernating brains, helping kids to think and communicate. Contrast this approach with sitting across the kitchen table, making direct eye contact, in the stillness of your home. This type of situation is a recipe for self-consciousness and, consequently, "shut-down." For even more strategies, read my book, "Boys of Few Words: Raising Our Sons to Communicate and Connect" (Guilford Press).

The changes of adolescence require a wide berth. Our job is to allow room for introspection, and make it easy--not awkward--for teens to maintain contact with us. The truth is, our words and actions loom extremely large for teens. Our best chance of sustaining contact is keep conversation going, focused on topics where they feel comfortable and confident. Look for ways to express admiration for your teen; ask her for her opinion about a choice you have to make; ask him what he thinks about a situation at work. These types of queries reflect respect and an interest in collaboration. More personal questions can be worked in the conversation less obtrusively, and as a result, are more likely to be answered.