Things We Said We Would Never Say

I bet you know where this one is going!!! We spend so much of our teenage years and twenties (and depending upon just how challenging our childhoods were, maybe thirties and forties and beyond) rebelling against what our parents said and did.

While I still may not fully embrace the parenting styles of my mom and dad, I do realize that some things aren't quite as black and white as I thought. For example, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom because my model for being a stay-at-home mom watched "Phil Donahue" (do any of you readers even remember that show? Or am I too old?!) and soap operas, and she made me clean the house and fix dinner.

That's not exaggerated much (I still hate to make salads and peel potatoes), but it's not entirely accurate either. Doing yard work just a few weeks ago, I remembered how my mom got up early in the summer to mow the lawn. (We lived in Texas, and it was already 88 degrees at 7:00 a.m. And it didn't stop at 88 degrees - believe me!) So, my mom wasn't as lazy as I had remembered. My perspective was changing a bit.

Same thing with some of the things my parents used to tell me and my brothers. I thought they were rude and mean at the time, and I know I felt demeaned and disrespected when they were directed toward me. Of course, I said I would never say them. Here are a few treasures:

--> Shut up

--> No (we heard that one all the time!)

--> Because I said so

--> Nonya (short for "none of your business")

Hmmm. Well, looking at that list now (and this is a cleaned up list, I gotta tell ya), perspective or no, I'm still not going to incorporate everything into my everyday language with my own kids.

"Shut up." This is one I can honestly say that I've never said. In anger, I've slipped and said, "Be quiet," but that's the worst transgression with this particular phrase. There is nothing respectful or nurturing about "shut up." Even in our biggest arguments, my husband and I don't say it to each other. As a matter of fact, I've had to curb my nine-year-old daughter's habit of saying, "Hush!" to her seven-year-old sister. Even that feels too much.

On to "No." My mother said, "No" all the time, and my brothers (who are eight and ten years younger than I) quickly found out that if they hounded my mother enough, she would change her mind (unlucky me - I was a little slow, and I never figured it out!) and would eventually give in. It probably would have been easier to say yes, and then she wouldn't have had to deal with the whining and complaining and badgering, which I know didn't make her happy, and my brothers certainly didn't appreciate being yelled at. (Of course, they were getting what they wanted, so maybe they didn't care if they were being yelled at.) I've tried not to automatically say, "No" to my daughters, although I have to admit that sometimes it takes a mighty conscious effort not to do so. I'm not sure what that is that makes us just automatically think "no" instead of "yes," but I do try to resist.

(However, I'd also like to point out that our goal as parents is not to give in to our child's every wish. There are the easy ones like, "No, Johnny. You can't run into the street." Where it gets hard is when there's no bad reason to say yes other than you Just. Don't. Feel. Like. Going. To. The. Park. For. The. Third. Day. In. A. Row. It's okay to say no in order to nurture ourselves. I guess yes and no are a balancing act like everything else.)

"Because I said so." This is one that I do say, although not often. There are times that it just is because you say it is, and that's that. End of story. I've always tried to be sensitive and give explanations when I could. However, there are just those few times when you don't want to give an explanation (do you really want to explain truthfully why little Sally can't go across the street where the nice old man lives by himself?), or you've hit your question quota for the day (we've actually instituted a twenty-question-a-day quota for our older daughter). As parents, we don't always have to give explanations. We have that power. We just need to make sure we wield it for the powers of good.

Finally, I've always thought that "It's none of your business" sounded abrupt and rude. So, in our house, we say, "It's none of your concern." I know it's just a word change from "business" to "concern," but it makes a difference to me. If I were to say, "It's none of your business" to my daughter, I would feel as if I were shutting her down, almost punishing her for even asking. "It's none of your concern" feels like I'm saying, "I thank you for asking, but we've got it covered."

Maybe in some cases it doesn't have anything to do with the exact words we say, but more with how we feel in saying them. Maybe my children wouldn't care if I said, "It's none of your business," or, "Shut up." Actually, that's not completely true. We've taught our girls that "shut up" is a bad word, and they list it as one of the bad "s" words (along with "stupid"). So, they would notice - and probably be very hurt - if we told them to "shut up."

It's all part of what we have to do as parents (as well as in the other facets of our lives): examine our own experiences on the other end (in this case, that other end being the child), dig in to what we learned (maybe even include how we felt), and combine that with our philosophy and goals as parents. So while I'm happy that I've achieved a somewhat more rounded view of my childhood and how my mom and dad parented, I'm using that view to inform my own parenting.

When we parent from a position of knowledge (I'm doing this because of X,Y,Z) instead of just blindly going in and not understanding why we do what we do or not doing it consistently, then we become more engaging, positive, and nurturing parents.

Because I said so.