Reducing The Trauma Caused By Divorce By James Wallis At Isnare.com Ezine Articles

Children are usually most vulnerable to parental conflict. Thus, the issue of child divorce trauma becomes paramount.

What is Child Divorce Trauma?

Behaviour therapists describe child divorce trauma as a psychological and emotional reaction to parental conflict at a basic physiological level. This includes bullying behaviour, non-communicative behaviour, psychosomatic disorders, regressive behaviours and violent behaviour. At a more subtle cognitive level, child divorce trauma is manifested a long time after the divorce. The child may give the impression of being well-adjusted to the divorce. But in reality, the negative emotions of hurt, anger, betrayal, and insecurity have cemented deep inside the consciousness. The adverse feelings shape and influence child behaviour throughout, affecting actions, thought processes and speech patterns.

Thus, it becomes imperative for parents contemplating divorce and in the throes of divorce to realise that child divorce trauma starts even before the actual process of divorce. According to social psychologists, child divorce trauma is a form of skewed perception. The process of perception correction must start not after the divorce but before the commencement of divorce proceedings. There is no sure and simple way to completely rid a child of divorce trauma. A child is bound to face trauma when parents divorce. But there are ways to reduce and control child divorce trauma.

Reduction of Child Divorce Trauma

Communication: It involves sitting down with the child and talking frankly about the divorce. The process of communication has to start when the parents decide to divorce. The sooner you talk about the impending divorce to your kid, there are less chances of a deep traumatic reaction. The communication channel has to be direct and two-way. It has to be a dialogue. The conversation should be held in the confines of the home to allow the child privacy and comfort to react. Social psychologists argue that the communication process should be structured and constructive in nature.

• Parents should explain to the child the causes for divorce

• Parents ought to reassure the child of their continued love and support.

• They should not leave the child to make conclusions and assumptions that he or she is to blame for the divorce

• Parents should outline the methods they used to try and save the marriage

• Consequences of divorce: how will life be after the divorce including financial implication for the child? This includes issues of child custody and schooling.

Communication allows the child to assimilate information about the parental divorce. It also gives the child time to prepare for the eventual parental split. It provides them the emotional space to absorb the reality of divorce. Communication provides the child the cognitive and emotional tools of strength and understanding needed to deal with the consequences of divorce. Communication also allows the child to understand that life is going to change. It gives them the chance to discuss their feelings and fears. Thus, communication has to start before the divorce and continue throughout the divorce proceedings. The parents have to create a wall of transparency about the divorce for the child. This enables the child to adjust better to life after divorce. There will be trauma but it is minimal if active and participative communication exists before, during and after divorce.

Extracurricular Activities: It is important for parents to think as parents and not as embittered divorcers when it comes to children. They have to be prepared for emotional and psychological outbursts and disorders. One of the subtlest and easiest methods to control this traumatic effect is to involve the child in various extracurricular activities. Usually, a child will not participate in these activities if he or she suspects the real motive behind it. Thus, moves to enrol the child into these activities have to be subtle. It is advisable that the activities be attuned to the child’s interests. Parents are advised to initiate children into physical activities leaving them no time to harbour negative feelings of divorce. This may include ballet classes, joining book clubs, joining a soccer team, going hiking and becoming library members.

This method also involves parental support in the form of getting involved with child’s activities and friends. A child begins to feel more relaxed and adjusted if both parents act as a single unit at school functions. The child regains self-confidence if the parent invites friends to spend time with the child. This encourages the child to open up and let go of resentment. Thus, there are two aspects to this initiative:

• Involving self in child’s activities and social circle

• Enlisting support and help from child’s teachers and peers

Being Cordial: A child can experience trauma every time the divorced parents come face-to-face. This trauma has to be reduced by the parents. They have to put aside their bitter feelings and act cordial. They do not have to be friends but merely be courteous and polite to each other.

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