How Did I Get Into This Mess Of Divorce?

You may not realize it at first, but the time bomb for financial crisis sets early in a relationship, often as soon as two people meet.

Let’s step back a minute to understand this truth. You marry for all the obvious reasons – you look to your partner for stability, warmth, ambition, sensitivity, success, money, and ah, mystery. You often marry to complete yourself, ascribing to your partner magical properties that he/she may or may not have. Harvelle Hendrix calls this an “Imago match.” Many of us marry for the qualities we think we don’t have, but want to acquire.

It’s here in the twilight zone of your emotions, that you make the psychological contract of wedlock. One of you assumes the responsibility of controlling the course of married life and more importantly, your financial life. The other agrees to be pleasing and supportive, the dream partner who fulfills the common wish of the marriage.

That’s the dream scenario. But more often than not, the wedlock contract eventually turns to a “deadlock” contract in which couples are stuck in unequal and opposing roles. These opposing roles can be seen in every aspect of your marriage. How you treat money, how you raise your children and even how you decorate your home. Marriage therapists often say “the more you need your spouse to make the world right for you, the deeper the wedlock contract, the more your are willing to accept emotional inequality in your relationship.”

The key transformation in the divorce process is the emergence of self. It takes two to get married but you get divorced by yourself. Suddenly you’re responsible for decision-making. In particular, you’re accountable for all the finances and the money decisions—a daunting task if you’re not prepared.

Helping you through the transition

Research shows that it often takes two to three years in your divorce journey to get back on your feet. We often turn to counseling services to help us through the transition. We accept a wide range of counseling, from traditional psychotherapy to support groups affiliated with community centres and churches.

One area of guidance often overlooked is that of financial counseling. There’s a gap in this market. We’re not talking just about the financial advisor that helps you choose what investments to make. But the financial advisor that understands and coaches you on the inner game of wealth creation and management. If you let your spouse take care of all the financial decisions while married, why would you feel you have the tools in your emotional toolbox to do it now? Even if you could manage your finances with the help of a traditional financial advisor, intellectually and spiritually you know there’s a lot more to this money equation.

Here are a couple of questions you might ask yourself…

1. While growing up, who made the money decisions in your family household?

2. How is it different or the same in your own home?

3. Why do you feel worthy of money and abundance?

4. If you could place an hourly rate on your time and sell your time, what would that hourly rate be?

Answering these questions will help you learn about the inner game of wealth and understand more about the numbing phase of separation, divorce and widowhood. Chin up, it’s the initial period of shock that lets you build strength to face the pain and turmoil that lie ahead.