Keep Your Head Above Water

Most boaters know the difference between WMDs (weapons of mass destruction) and MSDs (marine sanitation devices). Congress on the other hand seems to spend as much time regulating MSDs as they do looking for WMDs. A recent article in BoatU.S. Magazine suggests that “the universal pumpout symbol is not generally recognized by boaters.” This may be because there aren’t that many of these signs and many of the signs are in front of pumpout stations that don’t work. I visited the website: marinepumpouts.com and found that there were no listings for Florida. Obviously, there are some in Florida and the website needs to be updated.

As a past member of the Hallandale Beach Marine Advisory Committee, I was privy to the plans for the new city marina. The plans called for a pumpout station located in an inaccessible corner of a dead end canal. I suggested a more accessible location. The city representative was shocked and stated “Then, everyone would use it.” I was stupefied. The marina is still not built and may never be, as the permits are stuck in a bureaucratic quagmire; much of it over sea grass or some other fish and wildlife issue.

There are about 13 million boats in the USA. This translates to at least 30 million boaters. Shouldn’t we humans get our own department? The Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) regulates many boating issues. However, the FWS is only concerned about Fish and Wildlife. Truth be known they would probably be happy if there were no boats to mess up their environment. If the Fish and Wildlife folks are really concerned about the water quality, whatever their motive is, then there should be no marina that does not have a working pumpout facility.

My condo marina does not have a pumpout facility. Several years ago, I was falsely accused of “dumping my head” at the marina. The dockmaster, who didn’t like me, had led the condo board astray. Most of the board had never even visited the marina, let alone knew what an MSD was. Without any evidence to support the allegations, the manager sent out a certified letter informing me that I had violated several sections of the condo documents, Florida Statutes, Federal EPA regulations and the RICO Act. One of the board members approached me several weeks later and said that he had read the reports and didn’t understand why I would “stick my head in the water” at the marina. He now knows the difference between my head and a marine head.

It is legal to dump your head in the ocean if you are at least three miles from shore. The Florida Keys are an exception. The Keys are a No Discharge Zone. On a trip with my yacht club several years ago to Key West we could not find a functioning pumpout at any of the marinas we visited. When we arrived at Key West, we were all able to pumpout with the city’s mobile pumpout boat. The Galleon, an otherwise beautiful marina, had no pumpout and the marina next door had one that didn’t work.

I think it’s about time to revive CEPTIA, the Committee to End Pay Toilets In America. In the mid 70’s, CEPTIA was successful in banning pay toilets in Florida and many other states in the USA.

As CEPTIA is probably defunct, I propose a new organization to be called CRAP, the Committee for Readily Accessible Pumpouts. I call on all boaters to support CRAP. Write your representatives and demand that they listen to our CRAP. We want free pumpouts at all marinas. We will also lobby for cheaper biodegradable toilet paper. If the Federal Government can subsidize farmers, why not toilet paper? I’m sure you can imagine life without summer squash. But, can you imagine life without toilet paper? It’s about time for all boaters to get off the pot and take action. I also call on the eight million RV owners to support CRAP as they face some of the same issues.

If you would like to join the grass roots movement and support CRAP, contact the author. Sheryl Crow’s recommendation to use one sheet is not the answer to this problem. We need free pumpouts and cheap paper.