And Baby Makes Three

"When do you think your marriage began to become disconnected?"

"When we had our first child."

Why does such an exciting event in the lives of a couple so often become a reference point for when their relationship began to diminish? On the surface the answer may seem obvious. A significant amount of the time previously invested in the relationship must now be invested in parenting and thus the marriage suffers. But shouldn’t the bond of creating a child together and the shared love of that child counteract this? The problem is that this is often a much more complex issue than most couples are truly prepared for.

A major change is that the marital “playing field” was relatively level before the baby came along. Typically both spouses are working and a lot of the decision-making and power distribution is reasonably balanced. Once the baby arrives the husband-wife roles become significantly altered.

For example, even when the father is a very involved parent there is an oft-unstated understanding that the mother is the “expert” on parenting. Give a parenting workshop and mostly women are in the audience. The men that are present (and the numbers have increased over the years) often ask few questions because they are concerned about embarrassment from their presumed lack of knowledge. When it’s “For Fathers Only”, not only is the turnout usually large but the discussion is lively and revealing. Fathers complain that when they try to play more of a role they are frequently criticized for not feeding or dressing the infant (or older child) properly. Other common criticisms are not getting children to bed on time or not watching them carefully enough. The men respond by withdrawing into a secondary role.

The stereotype of men not asking for directions comes into play here. There is a sense of embarrassment about “not knowing.” These men have not been primed for childcare by years of babysitting or being given responsibility for caring for younger siblings. Nor do they have a parent to comfortably turn to for advice about parenting. It’s okay for mothers to ask their mothers for help – in fact the grandmothers are usually there to help right away. But if a father were to ask his mother for advice (or even ask his father), often he finds his wife annoyed at him for bringing in another way of doing things and she may experience it as meddling by that grandparent (which sometimes it is!). One of the most challenging questions posed to me in a workshop relative to this issue came from a man married to a pediatrician. “How do I argue with her?” In fact many women are in careers that deal with childcare and child development (there are a few female teachers out there!) and that makes them even more the “experts.”

My response to this father’s plaintiff cry of how does he carve a role for himself given his wife’s clear superiority in practical knowledge is that he is an “expert” in being a father, something that no woman can claim. His role is unique and important and he should not abdicate it just because he feels under-prepared. Fathers are typically different in personality and parenting style and the baby benefits from this. (Please note that this would be true if both parents were of the same sex – no two people are the same.)

One final comment about this aspect of the changed roles. Some mothers are not comfortable with parenting and, in some cases, are married to men who are naturally nurturing (who also may be in one of the caretaking professions), so in those cases the unlevel playing field is totally reversed. However, this is further complicated by society’s message that the mother is “supposed” to be the expert!

Another dynamic that may contribute to marital disconnection is when mothers reduce or suspend careers for a period of time. What may have been a very egalitarian marriage suddenly shifts to traditional roles and subtle (or not so subtle) power shifts take place embedded in the financial aspects of the marriage and family. Even women who maintain their careers are often torn by strong feelings of wanting to commit full energy to both roles and sometimes end up feeling less adequate in both. Regardless of how this is dealt with one of the key outcomes for women as new mothers is a degree of sleep deprivation and exhaustion beyond anything previously experienced. In fact many cases of post-partum depression are really severe sleep deprivation cases.

All this underscores how incredibly complex the role of a woman becomes when that first child arrives. She is supposed to be an expert on all parenting issues, juggle parenting, marriage, career, and general household issues plus who knows what else that may be going on in her life. Women more typically are involved in extended family relationships and strong friendships that sometimes demand their attention and can be draining as well as rewarding. So it is not surprising that mothers start “crashing” very early at night, physically and emotionally unavailable for the time that was most often devoted to the marriage. This becomes even more complicated when fathers, whether the primary earner or not, feel increased pressure to be a financial provider and may simultaneously be investing more at the office just when their wives are asking them to invest more at home.

Clearly, one of the key challenges is making time for the marriage. This may require some creativity. Consider early mornings, a lunch meeting, phone calls, emails, and a babysitter for even a pizza alone. The key is not just recognizing the need to continue nurturing the relationship but to actually do it. It will of course be less time but make sure there IS time. Too often the marriage is left to fend for itself with no advocate between two spent parents. That’s a serious mistake, especially when it includes a loss of sexual intimacy as well. One of the most important gifts you can give your children is a healthy marriage. To sacrifice that because of the new demands of parenting is not what your children want or need.

All this is being written with the unstated assumption that the baby is healthy and parenting demands are within the norm. But often newborns are not healthy and/or are difficult to soothe or hard to regulate. This places even greater burdens on parents and exacerbates everything stated above with regard to the challenge of maintaining a connected marriage.

It is no wonder that marriages are significantly challenged when the first baby arrives. Society has failed to prepare couples for this challenge. Weeks may be spent teaching a couple how to share the birthing experience but little is offered to prepare them for the post-birth challenges. A pediatrician is an automatic addition to the support system in most families. Perhaps a mental health professional should be just as automatic an addition to help couples, in a preventive manner, understand and adjust to the myriad of complex changes that awaits them when baby makes three.