"Doing For Others" Is This Just Avoiding Your Own Life? By Suzi Elton At Isnare.com Ezine Articles

Have you ever known someone who spends all their time doing things for others? They are always willing to help and never ask for anything in return. Their days are filled with taking care of others and being sure everyone about them gets what is needed. They will literally give you the "shirt off their back". They seem to live to provide time, attention and goods to anyone anywhere anytime. It seems they have no limitations to what or how much they give. Their kindness is unusual in that they reject thanks, appreciation or reciprocation. It’s almost as if they want to "have the corner" on saintliness. If this describes your behavior, let’s examine a few things.

1.) Examine your motivation. Do you behave this way compulsively because you are unable to say no? Do you say, "Yes" automatically, simply because you don’t know how to say, "No"? Do you have such a need to please others, that you are willing to sacrifice your life for accolades?

2.) What is the price you are paying? Do you give so much to others that there is little or nothing left in your life for you? Are you so accustomed to giving, that you’d feel guilty if you allowed anyone to give to you? Has "doing for others" become so habitual that it seems you would have no life without it? Does it seem confusing to even try to imagine what a life focused on your own choices might be?

3.) Consider the possibility that you may engage in this behavior as a way of avoiding your own life. There could be many factors at play here. Maybe you are unclear or indecisive, or lack confidence in doing what you really want to do. Maybe you have doubts about your skills or ability to succeed. Maybe you fear being resented if you created the life you desire. Possibly, you wonder if it’s "selfish" to live the life you truly want. If you do determine that you have been avoiding your own life, that can be a perplexing thing to discover. How do you start to reverse course and choose to live inside your own life instead?

4.) Decide to give up your tendency to automatically "caretake" others -- especially adults. Focus on disengaging the automatic nature of your behavior. Consider that you may be "rescuing" people who should actually be caring for themselves. There are times when caring for others is simply enabling them not to behave responsibly. A fairly easy place to start is to begin to relinquish your tendency to caretake when it is not in the best interest of others (in order to grow, they need to take care of their own business).

5.) You may be feeling overwhelmed by guilt when you don’t jump in and sacrifice yourself for others. In fact, this tendency to feel guilt may be your ultimate driver in this pattern. It takes quite a bit of self discipline to override the feeling of guilt and not volunteer to give your life away to others. It may be excruciatingly painful to "sit through" the change in your behavior. This too shall pass. Don't let yourself be manipulated by others.

6.) A helpful exercise might be to examine what "story" you tell yourself. Do you believe you are "saving" them from a terrible fate? Do you think they will die without you? Do you fear their suffering dire consequences without your involvement? Do you imagine they might starve without your help? When we deeply consider our stories and any patterns they make, we get greater insight into the origin of our compulsion. None of it is bad, but if it creates an unhappy situation for us, it’s wise to explore.

7.) How aware are you of the consequences in your life of "doing for others" to your own detriment? Maybe you give away money or time and energy that you need for yourself. Perhaps you exhaust yourself and neglect your own health. You might feel unhappy inside and not even realize the source of the unhappiness. Possibly, you feel resentment for helping others -- even though you are the one to instigate it. It’s easy to blame our behavior on other people, and more challenging to acknowledge how we are "doing it" to our self.

If you find that you have an habitual pattern of "doing for" others, take the time to examine the pattern and its impact on your life. Access your motivations and be willing to be guided by your insights. It is possible to change this pattern -- probably not easy -- but possible. What you have to gain is living the life you truly desire.

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