How to Create a Great Social Life

Are you a person who does not have the social life you’d like? Do you find yourself sitting home most nights when you’d rather be spending time with friends? Are you well past school age and find the whole process of making new friends and social contacts a mystery? Have you moved to a new area and find yourself having to start all over making new friends and creating a social life? Yes these are challenging issues. Yes they take some effort to overcome. It can seem to be an overwhelming project. Here’s a plan to follow that will move you into an interesting social life in the shortest time.

1.) Realize that this will take some consistent efforts on your part. It is highly unlikely that new friends will come to your door looking for you. You will need to commit to getting out and putting yourself where potential friends can get to know you.

2.) Make yourself two lists. The first list is every activity you’ve ever been interested in exploring. Make as huge and exhaustive a list as you can think of or remember. If this is challenging for you, go to coffee shops, community colleges, adult ed., community centers, and any other types of sources you can think up where you might find flyers or information on available activities. The best activities are anything that you have ever thought or said, "I’d love to do that some day". The longer you’ve had the desire the better for our purposes.

3.) Don’t feel disheartened if you have difficulty feeling any enthusiasm for the choices on your list. Those with restricted social lives may have a bit of depression to break through. Just make the decision that this is normal and simply part of the process.

4.) Start to pay attention to any new people you meet. If you meet someone you’d like to get to know better, start a list of all the people you’d like to explore friendship with. If you have no one on the list, do not despair. Keep your eyes open with the purpose of creating this list.

5.) Now make the commitment to yourself that you will explore one of those social activities a week for the next 6 months to a year. Start with any activity that brings you excitement. If you have a solid list of people to work with, call someone on your list and ask if they’d be interested in joining you on your expedition.

6.) OK, by now, you may be experiencing some panic or fear about going to new places, especially if you go alone. Here’s something you can do to ease these feelings. Tell yourself that you have to do this and do not allow yourself to "chicken out". But, give yourself permission to leave whenever you want to. The rule is, that you have to go inside, and you need to at least check it out. Then you can go home. Hopefully this will help you get out and take some risks -- and gain the reward of new friendships.

7.) The most important "rule", however, is that once inside, you need to put your attention on the new people you are meeting. Show interested curiosity in them. Listen. By showing interest in others, you will soon find that your "shyness" has lessened or disappeared. People will find you a marvelous conversationalist when you listen to them -- and your social anxiety will disappear.

8.) One of the most important parts of this effort is to locate new friends for "keepers". Pay attention to things like mutuality, listening ability, interest in others, pleasure in their company, positive approach to life, supportive attitudes, openness to trying new things, integrity, honesty, and good values. These are the things that make a good friend even greater over time.

9.) Take the attitude that you are embarking on a "research project" -- the purpose of which is to develop a delightful and fulfilling social life for yourself. This means that you are going to be willing to explore any activity or potential relationship that is appealing or attractive. Since it is a "research project", your object is to locate those activities and relationships that you most want to keep in your life. You are looking for experiences that stimulate you and fill you with joy. You feel uplifted afterward. Feel free to reject events and people where you don’t get these results. Seriously consider continuing with any that do.

10) Before you leave for a social event, decide that everyone you meet is your friend before you even start. This could be a challenge for some, but experiment with it. When you decide that everyone in the world is your friend before you meet them, you will be amazed to find that that becomes exactly what you find most of the time. What happens is that you approach strangers with an open attitude. You are friendlier up front. You are interested in others (therefore more interesting to others). You are easy to be around, because you drop your defenses and are more welcoming to others.

11.) It is OK for you to do more than one of the social activities on your list in a week, but make it a rule that you try at least one new one.

11.) After you have been doing this for 2-3 months, you will find that you’re well on the way to a whole new social life, you are making new friends. You are having fun again. You are looking forward to returning to regular events and making more friends.

12.) Always be willing to take a look at your "program" and tweak it. Feel free to add new ideas or drop old ones. What you are doing is looking for those activities and people that are the most gratifying and fulfilling.

13.) Even when you have developed a full and satisfying social schedule -- be willing to revisit your choices. Note: some caveats:

a. If you have a negative attitude to life, this may be the reason that you have a bad social life. People will avoid you like the plague on account of this. Put in some real effort to change this.

b. If you think a monologue is "conversation", this is probably the main reason you have a bad social life. Read the book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and start to make changes in your conversational style.

c. If you have a lot of physical, mental, financial issues, you’re better off leaving them at home when you go on social excursions. Most people socialize to get relief from problems. They don’t want to listen to yours.

d. If others want to tell you their problems, you may want to gently remind them that this is a social occasion and you’d prefer lighter conversation. This may not work, but it may -- depending on the boorishness of the person involved.

There is absolutely no reason to sit home alone without friends. It is necessary to take control of your social life in exactly the way you take control of the rest of your life. It is a minor investment for a major reward!