World of Warcraft: An Outsider's Perspective

Disclaimer: I am not a World of Warcraft player. All of my opinions of WoW players and the game itself have been formed while watching others play the game. This could probably be considered an even greater waste of time than actually playing the game.

In the aeons before the creation of WoW, I was once a Warcraft player. It was back in the early days of PC gaming, when I would move my little animated sprite around. Castle building, food gathering, and attacking my enemies with hordes of inexpensive elven warriors were my regular duties. It was an incredible Real-Time Strategy game, with an overhead view that allowed a full view of the battlefield at all times. It had several incarnations, the best, in my opinion, being Warcraft III, which made use of 3D graphics extraordinarily well, and provided some incredibly epic battles. It was simple, it had clearly defined goals for each level, and you could beat the game. Period. They released an expansion pack for the game, Frozen Throne, and left everyone hanging there.

That would be the last that most of us saw of our beloved RTS, as Blizzard moved on to focus on something else: Something they called a "Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game" (or MMORPG), which would become commercially available as World of Warcraft. If you don't know what this is by now, you probably don't get out much, or are one of those incredulous sounding journalists who act like the thing is brand new, even when people have been playing for 5 years.

Here's a brief explanation, from someone who is not at all enthralled with the concept of WoW: It's basically "Dungeons and Dragons" on steroids. The player buys the game, picks a character, develops his skills, gets weapons, and kills monsters. You could also become skilled as a chemist, and become a business man. Honestly though, who wants to make "Essence of Sea Urchin Brains", when you could be killing things, and running around aimlessly. He also goes on quests for stuff with names like " The Halberk of Extreme Lameness" and "The Gauntlet of Sweaty Palms". For the extraordinarily amazing privilege of running around in the vast universe that Blizzard has created, people have to pay anywhere from $13-$15 a month. This is on top of what they paid for the game.

In the D&D tradition, a player can "level up" his player, increasing his skills, and consequently decreasing his attachment with reality. The player learns to speak in a code unknown to initiates, prattling on about "buffs" and being "uber". If this game was renamed by its users, it would probably be called "Uber", as apparently someone of your party must echo this word every 15 seconds or so to keep their internet session alive. Oh, I evidently left out the "social interaction" portion of the game. You can talk to other players, and quest along with them. Most of the time, you will end up in a group with a few Aussies, and a couple of people from the West Coast, who will stay up late to help you get to level 47. Also, most of them will not be girls, and if they are playing, it will be because their boyfriend/husband does.

You can even join a guild, and quest along with them as a group. Joining a guild is the second step towards becoming a loser. The first step was buying WoW to begin with. In a guild, you share the spoils of "war". That war will be completed by a bunch of you ganging up on something really ugly, and continually hitting it with the most powerful weapon/spell/cheesecake you have, while 8 nerds yell at each other simultaneously. Exciting. There will inevitably be a leader of the guild, who will start a controversy that will only be important to people who have no life, ergo you. This will start a split in the guild, and you will be selected the leader of the splintered faction that forms. You will then start your own guild, in a quest to gain status. You will later disband your guild due to total lack of interest.

Eventually, you will max out the level of your character. About this time, Blizzard will come out with an "expansion pack". This will give you another 10 levels to play through, which you will do hyped up on Doritos, Mountain Dew, and twinkies. At the end of 36 hours and unconscionable sleep deprivation, you will once again be at your maximum level, stuck on the vastly overrated world that spreads out before you. Sure, you will be at least $50 poorer than you should possibly be, but hey, that's a small price to pay for glory, right?

In my opinion, World of Warcraft is quite possibly the worst thing to happen to gaming, ever. The gameplay is pointless, the social benefits are scarce if nonexistent, and quite honestly, it sucks away the lives and money of those that play it. It turns highly intelligent folk into fat, smelly, sweaty people who live for their next hit of Warcrack.

They can keep playing for as long as they like, as it's not hurting me. Except it is. Remember how I told you that my beloved Warcraft hasn't been seen since WoW came out? Well, the WoW revenue model has been so successful, that Blizzard may not ever take the chance to build another Warcraft sequel. They're afraid that it won't make as much money, and therefore, won't allocate the resources necessary needed to make fans of the original series happy. Sacrificing good games to make what amounts to a legal drug is not the way to make those of us who won't buy this stupid game happy.

So, as an outsider, let me echo the sentiments of those who came before me: WoW SUCKS. This, and Marie Claire will continue to show others all that is wrong with America for years to come. At some point, game creators will move away from the axis of stupidity, and games that require little more brain power than it takes to stare at a screen. Until then, the rest of us will await the return of sanity. I have a feeling we will be here awhile.