ECW Express

Pre-show run-through:

The awful shows continued last week as we had a stinker somewhat redeemed by a top-notch Finlay-SWAGGA match. Alongside that, SWAGGA is no longer undefeated, which is fine with me, I never liked unbeaten streak angles. Tommy Dreamer, it would appear, is still a jobber. And ECW has a new superstar, Jamie Noble, who they instantly wasted by jobbing out to the Boogeyman. Who will they instantly waste by jobbing out to the Boogeyman tonight? Read on!

(opening video + Swagger/Finlay recap)

Mr. SWAGGA is out to lay some wisdom on us. Notably absent is his giant grin. For the last two weeks, he has been embarrassed by Finlay and Woggle, and Teddy Long has done nothing except book a title match for No Way Out. The crowd is murdering Swagger here. Jack is the victim here, but he will take care of the real problem tonight. He calls out Hornswoggle. Way to make the champion look good. Geez.

It is all redeemed a second later. ~CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAN! AT LAST YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN! PEEP SALUTE! I really wish I hadn’t read the spoilers on that, because I love me some surprises. Still a cool moment. Indeed, The Instant Classic Christian Cage is here, using a remix of “Just Close Your Eyes” as his music. Swagga is totally speechless. Christian chant. Cage finally says he’s here to interrupt Swagger’s promo, but more importantly to save his life. If he’s not careful, he might electrocute himself with all the saliva he’s spraying on the mic. More mockery of the lisp. Sufferin’ succotash! It’s been a long time since the peeps have seen him. Seriously, though, the real reason Christian is here is right on Swagger’s shoulder. Christian challenges the winner of the No Way Out match for the ECW Championship. Jack says he’s a big deal, wrestling prodigy, All-American, etc. Cage won’t make a name at his expense. Christian ends things there with a mic shot, and casually backs away.

(ads)

Swagger wants the rest of the night off. Teddy says not gonna happen, because he’s facing Christian Cage tonight! By the way, before anyone asks: yes, I know his WWE ring name is just “Christian”. That will not stop me from calling him Christian Cage for the next ten years.

Already in the ring is Tommy Dreamer. I swear…we can spend 25 minutes a week on the combined entrances of Taker and Triple H, but we can’t spare 15 extra seconds so our talent doesn’t look like a complete jobber? Video package of Tommy being mugged by MnM2.0.

Tommy Dreamer vs. The Miz (w/ John Morrison)

Dreamer with a quick takedown and punches. They go outside and Miz kicks Tommy to the barricade. He comes off the apron with a double sledge but misses and eats barricade. Back inside and Tommy hits an elbow drop. Miz comes back with a turnbuckle bulldog and mounted punches. Punt to the ribs and some crossfaces into a facelock. Tommy turns it into a back suplex and a clothesline. Bulldog off the ropes and the spinebuster. Miz misses on his corner clothesline, tree of woe neckbreaker! Morrison zooms around the entire ring to climb the stairs instead of just jumping on the apron, whatever that means. He provides the distraction, gets clobbered, but Miz hits a wacky ass jawbreaker (shades of the Stunner) for the win. That’s his move! Wait…that’s his move?

Winner: The Miz by Strange Looking Jawbreaker @ 3:07

I’ve been saying this about a lot of Dreamer matches…I guess they’re all following a trend. But it started off slow, got promising, and then ended way too soon just as it was looking good. Not a great effort for either guy, but then what kind of effort can you post in three minutes?
Match Rating: 3.9/10

Backstage, Jamie Noble wants to speak to Teddy. Last week, Boogey tried to shove disgusting worms down his throat. Teddy asks if he wants a rematch. “Tiffany…did you not give him the memo?” Haha, Noble is awesome. On RAW, Jamie Noble’s a big dog. His request is interrupted by the knocking of Teddy’s current appointment, and consider yourself blown off Mr. Noble. The new arrival is the debuting Tyson Kidd, accompanied by Natalya, who is looking en fuego tonight. Apparently, Kidd trained at the dungeon and is Teddy’s next top star. Also, he apparently can’t talk for crap. He puts down Noble and leaves. At least Nattie’s doing something now.

No Way Out match card.

Backstage, Christian is accosted by Woggle. Did we really have to get the stink of bad gimmick on him the very first week? Finlay pops in to say he will be watching the match with extreme interest, and it won’t be Swagger Christian must go through, but himself.

(ads)

Evan Bourne vignette. He returns next month. Yay! As long as RAW doesn’t steal him again, at least until the draft.

Tyson Kidd vs. Bao Nguyen

Waistlock for Kidd, hammerlock for Nguyen. Tyson with a snapmare and some kicks, followed by an Atomic Drop. Spinning heel kick and an aggressive headlock. Front kick off the ropes, a mule kick and running dropkick. He finishes it off by hitting, or rather botching, a springboard elbow drop.

Winner: Tyson Kidd by Springboard Elbow @ 1:31

Pretty good start for Kidd. I dig anyone who can utilize kicks effectively, and he did that. He needs to work on his finisher as he wasn’t confident with the springboard. Anyways, 90 seconds isn’t enough to tell anything. We’ll see.
Match Rating: 4.8/10

After the match, Noble comes out for a staredown.

(ads)

LONG-ASS Orton vs. Shane video package. Cross-promotion is one thing, but a three minute cross-promotion video package on a 40-minute show is a bit much.

Jack SWAGGA vs. Christian Cage

Swagger gets a double leg takedown and works a waistlock for a while, Christian to the ropes. Swagger with a shove, Cage responds with a jaw-jack and roll-up for two. Swagger hits a knee, Christian floats over a suplex and nails punches to Swagger in the corner. Swagger eats a boot on a corner charge, and Cage comes off the second rope for a sunset flip. Finlay and Woggle make an appearance at this point to the apparent dismay of both competitors.

(ads)

Swagger continues with the waistlock as we return, and to my utter dismay Finlay AND HORNSWOGGLE have donned headsets at ringside. Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani!!! Look it up. Swagger with a swank neckbreaker takedown and some rolling chain wrestling. After about a minute of making stupid noises, Hornswoggle mostly shuts up. Knee lift for Swagger and he lands some kicks and a corner clothesline. Todd stuffs up by asking Hornswoggle a question about Finlay’s chances Sunday. “Thank you for that insightful commentary.”—Striker. Another slap by Christian, but Swagger hits a shoulder thrust. They trade punches, with Cage winning. FREAKING AWESOME Tornado DDT for Christian. Christian with a running forearm and some punches, and he doesn’t pull those at all. Scorpion Death Drop and Cage goes up top for the frog splash, but misses. Rollup for two for Jack. Swagger Bomb countered to the Unprettier, which is countered to a back suplex, which Christian flips through. Belly to belly slam for Swagger, but he misses on a Vader Bomb. “Pin him! *exasperated sigh*” – Finlay. Swagger tries a German suplex off the apron, but Christian holds on and hits a kick through the ropes. Swagger throws Christian over the table into Finlay in the noisiest way imaginable. Big boot for Swagger and he messes with the turnbuckle. Christian with the inside package for two. Unprettier countered to an electric chair, which is headed for the exposed turnbuckle until Woggle distracts the referee and Finlay shillelaghs Swagger’s leg. Unprettier for three!!

Winner: Christian Cage by Unprettier @ 8:15

Uncharacteristically enough for me, I’m not bothered by the match ending. Christian couldn’t lose his debut, and the champion shouldn’t be beaten two weeks in a row without major shenanigans. So it works fine for me. On to the match, this was a great showing. While not quite as long as last week’s Finlay/Swagger encounter, it was a little better in terms of ring work. And “better” than last week’s match equals “great”. Swagger really got to shine with a guy who knows how to sell his offense. The Hornswoggle With Headset appearance detracted from the match a bit (seriously…who in the HELL thought that was a good idea?), but it was still a great debut for Christian. Match Rating: 7.8/10

Overall Analysis:

I am thrilled to have Cage on board. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a main eventer – maybe not an Edge or Randy Orton level of main eventer, but certainly better than Batista or Kozlov. I know people are going to look at him coming to ECW as a disappointment, but the simple truth is that ECW is a show that needs saved right now, and the only way that will happen is if they add a bit more talent that can work good matches. Bringing Noble and Cage in and debuting the mildly promising Kidd is a great step to remedy that. Bring back Bourne full time, ensure Miz and Morrison make consistent appearances, and suddenly you’ve got a deep, talented roster again, full of people capable of great matches, and ECW will be a strong show again, something I sure didn’t think I’d say so soon after the disastrous last three weeks we’ve had.

Overall Show Grade: A-

Next week: I bust out my Bottom Ten for your amusement. As it’s kind of stupid to point to someone everyone knows is boring and say “he sucks”, I’ll be counting off the ten worst wrestlers relative to the push the WWE is giving them. You’re guaranteed a Boogeyman appearance, as well as some of my trademark Batista bashing. You won’t want to miss it!