Married (With a Baby) and Still in Love With My Ex

I fell in love with my soulmate in May of 1997. I just didn't know it at the time. We met briefly at an overnight work trip to the country, I was almost 16 and he was almost 20. We spent the night talking, all night, pouring our souls out to one another. Nothing else happened, even though this was in Europe, so even if we had kissed etc it wouldn't have been frowned upon. I thought of him often with fondness, even though I didn't know him at all.

My wild teenage years passed, I eventually graduated from college in 2004 and was ready to make my debut as a businesswoman. But while looking for a job, I decided to work again for the restaurant where I had met "him" some 7 years prior.

I had worked there for 2 weeks when a stranger came into the kitchen. He was tall, dark and handsome, it made my knees weak and I had to breathe slowly from the excitement. He wasn't cute in any conventional way, his glasses were held together with a little bit of masking tape but his eyes had the most piercing stare I had ever seen. He turned toward me and said, "I see you're back working here, Lulu." In disbelief I wondered how this stranger knew me. It was him! It was really him! He had been on a trip out of the country for the past month and came back only to find ME here! The sexual tension was unbearable, we went home together the first night we worked together but tried to keep our personal affairs away from business hours. I was very immature, I asked him not to tell anybody we were seeing each other, and the games were on.

The reason I didn't want anyone to know about us was because I was so in love with him. I didn't want to get hurt, so I was incredibly cold towards him. The sneaking around and coldness turned our relationship a little bitter, even though we would play the cat and mouse and forget everything, locked inside my place or his. I had never loved anybody so much but I was so afraid of losing him that I couldn't show him or tell him.

It was a series of a million one-night-stands. We stopped working together but the mini-flings continued. I wished I had been kinder in the beginning, I wished I hadn't asked him to keep us a secret. I wished we could be a normal couple.

He drank a lot, we were distant even when naked in bed together. But something drew us toward one another, I loved him and hated him at the same time. We actually said those precious words to each other on numerous occasions when we opened up to one another. The next day, the magic was always gone, he wouldn't repeat what he had said and neither would I. After two years of reciprocating emotional abuse, I broke it off, frustrated by the fact that I was feeling like a hamster in a wheel, never going anywhere.

I knew it was over, I couldn't waste any more time on him. But I still loved him, so much that no other man would do. Either I could live my life devoted to him forever, never marrying, wallowing in self-pity....or I could move on. I moved on, although I never stopped loving him. It had been almost 2 years since our break-up. I met a man who seemed as good as any, that I was not in love with but would be fine. We were good friends, at least. I did feel a little guilty dreaming of the other guy while in bed with my husband, but I knew it wasn't my fault, I really wished I were in love with my husband. We had a baby soon after we were married, a beautiful, well-behaved little angel boy. Sadly, it changed nothing.

When my husband cheated on me very early on in our marriage, I was a relieved to have a way out. I had been starting to feel a little regretful for my decision to get married while in love with someone else.

While surfing the internet, I came across a program that had a headline, "Are You Still In Love With Your Ex?" Usually, I ignore stuff like that, but I had to see what it was since I could relate to it. It was an ebook with a 60 day money-back guarantee. Knowing I had nothing to lose, I bought it and was very surprised. Only 16 days later "he" was on a date with me! Wow, when I think about all we've been through in the last 12 years, it's insane. In the 3 years we were apart, he stopped drinking and finished his degree while I got married and had a baby! But we are more in love than we've ever been, and this time, we're giving it a real go. I can't thank this program enough and I don't regret anything.