Raw Is Curtis For 03/30/09

Lets Get Tricks Started!

Show opens with a hearse, presumably carrying the remnants of creativity from the writing team. From that short little shot we cut to theme and pyro. We learn that Taker is going to hold a funeral for HBK tonight amidst the cries of him saying “I’m not dead yet!” in an oddly British accent. We then have every Face Diva arrive including Gail Kim who I wasn’t even aware works for WWE again. They are followed by the heel Divas....

Heel Divas vs. Face Divas (18 Diva tag match)

Alot of talent on show here (it’s not as hot as it sounds) and it starts off with Jillian and Mickie James. Mickie leaps onto her and beats Jillian around with ease, tagging out to Tiffany. Jillian trades out to Beth who runs her over. Actually I don’t know who half of these women are but Tiffany rolls up whoever this dark haired chick is for the three. That was surprisingly fast.

Winners: Faces

Santino comes out to say he went to the top of WWE to a guy who is dead to try and get in the battle royal. He says he has what it takes to be Miss Wrestlemania. He then unleashes the “Mankini” and struts around like a Chippendale dancer. Why. GOD WHY. His music is cut off as Beth decides to give him a piece of his mind and the women all maul him.

Somehow during a video segment, Jerry magically changed clothes behind the table and rises up to get ready for his match with Chris Jericho. God help us all. Commercials...

Back to the show where we replay Jericho crushing Ric’s watch. We cut to Jerry who has presumably been making everyone in the ring listen to his crappy theme this whole time before aspiring Mankini Model Chris Jericho arrives.

Jerry Lawler vs. Chris Jericho

Jerry just starts punching on Jericho which is totally illegal. Jericho finally powers out of the corner and starts running Lawler down, kicking him back down every time he tries to stand. Jericho forgets that Lawler hulks up sometimes and Jerry starts punching him around the ring before just pounding his knuckles into his forehead on the ground while the ref tries to pull him back. Jericho casually locks on the walls after letting him having his courtesy hits.

Winner: Jericho

Jericho stalks over Lawler and slaps him on the head before dragging him up by his handlebar ears. Lawler suddenly levels him with one right and Jericho takes a walk. Lawler invites him back into the ring as Jericho says he already beat him. He says it won’t be how he beats them at Mania, it will be how badly he beats them....

Back to the show where we get replays of Edge vs. Cena and Edge vs. Big Show. Edge approaches Cena in the back and convinces him to team up against Big Show at Mania to take him out since he knocked out both of their asses with ease before. Cena says it makes sense but he’d rather lose on his own than get help. We cut from this to Dibiase who says what Orton has to say will change the WWE universe forever. We’ve been stuck with Cole by himself for this whole segment. When is Lawler coming back? He didn’t get his ass kicked that bad. We cut to the coffin in the hearse and Shawn Michaels rises out but apparently the sound guy forgot to turn his microphone on as we go to commercial.

Back to the show where for some reason the Pussy Cat Dolls are going to be at Wrestlemania, or at least one of them. She asks us if we want to see her there. They replay the segment that was silent before and he said “You were expecting someone else?”. Lawler returns to the ringside but still decides to forego putting on clothes while Cole recounts every horrible thing we’ve seen tonight so far in case we were deluded good things had happened. Rey Mysterio as Skeletor arrives. I’ll head scissors you He-man! JBL arrives to us to say that tonight is psychological to let Mysterio know he won’t stand a chance, because apparently you should give away PPV matches on TV for free.

Rey Mysterio vs. Intercontinental Champion JBL (Non-title Match)

JBL forces Rey to the corner and slams him down on the break, hammering his back with forearms and leveling the midget with a right. Rey comes back with a kick and delivers a head scissors. He tries for the 619 but JBL catches him with a clothesline. Rey comes back hard but a springboard cross body has him leaping into a kick to the gut. JBL begins tossing Rey with a fall away slam. Rey rolls to the floor and takes a breather. JBL follows and kicks him around as the ref finally decides to bother counting for a little bit. JBL tosses Rey back in for a two count. JBL pummels Rey into a corner and puts him up top which is obviously a good idea against a cruiserweight. This ends as well as you thought with a senton. Mysterio hits an exiguities and the 619 whiffs. Rey dropkicks JBL in the ass and finally hit’s the 619 to the splash for the three.

Winner: Rey

Back to the show for Wrestlemania 11 recap. John Cena is out next to take on The Big Show. This leads me to believe that once again our main event tonight is just going to be a speech from Orton that probably will break out into a fight....

The Big Show vs. John Cena

Big Show strikes a boxing stance and comes across the ring…to kick Cena in the stomach. HAHA! Big Show tosses Cena around and starts walking on him, literally. Big Show continues to just toss Cena out of all of his moves, punching Cena back down every time he tries to get back up. Cena tries to build momentum but is once again just shrugged off like a mosquito. Cena drops Show and tries for an STF but Show just kicks him off across the ring before sending him to the floor with a big baseball slide as we go to commercial...

Back to the show where Big Show is still stepping on Cena a lot. I feel like I just saw this before we went to commercial. He stands on Cena’s chest with the ropes then switches up to the back of his head. His foot is much bigger than his head. Big Show stands on his back some too. Be amazed as the Big Show steps on things. Show signals for the chokeslam as Cena stumbles up and Cena counters into a DDT. Cena goes for an STF but can’t get his arms around him before Big Show throws him off with a hard shot to the face. Cena tries a Big Right but Cena ducks it and tries to scoop him up for the FU. Big Show just pushes him off and delivers a choke slam for the win.

Winner: Big Show

After the match, Edge slips into the ring and just starts beating the holy hell out of Cena after a shared stare with Big Show. We get a replay of Michaels escaping Undertaker. This brings me to rant about how every single feud for Wrestlemania has been built terribly with one person looking way too strong. Uhghh.

HBK comes out with his funeral preparations and says the funeral is for Taker, not Michaels. Shawn recounts all the things he’s done to Taker recently, including running around on his fake tombstone and apparently desecrating the Styrofoam. Michaels opens the casket, proving Taker isn’t hiding inside of it. The lights go out and when they come back on Taker is in the ring by himself. He can’t seem to find Michaels despite THE LOUD NOISE OF A CASKET CLOSING AND THAT IT IS NO LONGER OPEN. Taker does a slow take of the casket. Taker opens it but it turns out he was hiding under the casket and he gets the drop with another super kick. Shawn does a DX cross chop.....because he can.

Back to the show where they run a video package about Stone Cold Steve Austin. After that we have Kane and CM Punk come to the ring. We learn we’re about to have yet another MitB participant gimmick match as we go back to commercials. Huzzah.

Back to the show where we get a video package about the rivalry between the Hardy Boyz (Or Hardy Men perhaps?)

MitB Participant Over the Top Battle Royal

Finlay who accidentally gets called Fit Finlay by King, is press slammed by Henry over the top. Hornswoggle distracts Henry by throwing his coat at him and everyone tosses him. Kane tries to eliminate both Punk and Christian at the same time. Kingston, Christian and Punk team up on Kane but he fights out. MVP lands on the apron when Shelton tries to toss him. MVP tries to suplex Shelton to the floor and Kane just tosses them both out. Kingston, Christian and Punk all attack Kane and try to hoist him out like the tub of lard he is, but Kane fights off as Punk tricks Kingston to eliminate to a chorus of boos. Kane decks Punk and tries to toss Christian but he hands in.

Punk and Christian team back up but Christian tricks him and tries to toss Punk out. Punk holds on and delivers the Pepsi One only to be tossed. Punk skins the cat but Kane throws Christian into Punk to eliminate both.

Winner: Kane

Kane retrieves a ladder and grabs the briefcase above the ring for dramatic effect. We see Legacy has new shirts but Dibiase is ironically a bit too poor to afford one. They are headed to the ring as we go to commercial.

Back to the show where Orton and company finally arrive.He apparently lost two people along the way since the rest of Legacy is suddenly missing now. If he walked through the back as slow as he is walking now it would actually explain why it took him so damn long. Orton decides we need to feel sorry for him by replaying when Triple H beat his ass for beating NAME DELETED for the World Title years ago. Our rerun hour continues, showing how Orton beat Trips at the Royal Rumble. We get it. You don’t like each other. He goes on to show him beating up McMahons. We get to see yet more footage we have already seen and this is of last week. He reveals that Trips loses his title no matter how he loses the match thanks to Vickie. If he arrives with a hammer, it’s automatic.....

We see footage that a car just arrived in the back and Orton calls out Legacy and some random security to protect himself with. The limo is opened outside and no one is inside according to the camera man. Orton demands that Triple H come out and face him…and his security…and his friends….yeah…The music that plays though is Vince McMahon who looks like he just sniffed something awful. Shane arrives as well. The last is Triple H himself. The McMahon Squad kicks the crap out of security instead of just firing them. The brawl breaks out with Vince taking on Ted and Shane taking Cody. Trips and Orton brawl into the ring and the show goes off the air....

Thats That!

Wrestlemania here we come. All aboard!

Predictions:

Taker def. HBK

Edge def. Show and Cena

HHH def. Orton

Christian wins MITB

Glamazon wins the Diva Battle Royale

JBL def. Rey Rey

Jericho def. Idiot legends

Im Curtis Kash and thanks for reading!!

Show Grade: C+