Raw is Curtis For 04/06/09

Raw is Curtis

04.06.09

Welcome back to Raw! It’s the night after Wrestlemania, the night after which nothing can ever be the same…no wait that’s not right….Oh right. The night where everything remains exactly the same! Yay! Anyway, if you missed Wrestlemania, you should watch last year’s and you’ll pretty much have the same results card to look at. Highlight of the Night? Santina Marella.

Lets get Tricks started!

Show opens and Randy Orton takes a slow stroll out to the ring. His topic of discussion? Mostly butt hurt whining. He threatens the McMahons in order to get a title shot rematch. Someone takes offense to this as Vinnie Mac arrives in a suit it looks like he stole off The Joker....

Orton runs from the ring to the entrance and Vince gets on the mic to tell him to get his ass back in the ring right now. Vince says he won’t give him a rematch. Vince says Legacy will be in the ring at Backlash against Shane, Vince and Triple H. Orton says he is hiding behind Shane and Hunter, because he’s terrified. We go to commercial.

Unified Tag Team Champions Carlito & Primo Colon vs. John Morrison & The Miz (Tag Team Championship Lumberjack Match)

Morrison, who forgot to wash his hair today, tangles up with Carlito, who stole his pants from Tajiri. Carlito botches a springboard elbow from the middle rope, going way too high and Morrison has to throw himself into it for a two count. Primo makes the tag and picks up a quick two count of his own before Morrison tries to toss him out in the corner. Primo handstands in the corner and delivers a head scissors, but the crowd seems to not give a crap about this match at all. Probably because they don’t know who any of the guys out here are.

Somehow, Miz and Carlito are back in the ring now somehow with Miz getting the two. Primo head scissors him to the floor, distracting Miz for the Apple Jack. Miz blocks and bridges over for the pin, but it only gets two. Miz goes for an Electric Chair drop, but Carlito slips out into the Apple Jack for the win.
Winners: Colons (I prefer Commas)

King and Cole won’t shut up about the draft being next week. They’ve reminded us about twenty times not in the last fifteen minutes. Oh by the way, the draft is next week. Shane and Vince are in the back and Shane is not happy with his decision to go against Orton. Ten Diva tag team match is coming up, but I couldn’t really care less. Now a 12 Rounds commercials….....where are you going?

Back to the show where they talk about Kid Rock last night, which no one cares about. Well, maybe Kid Rock cares, but probably not. And now, Divas. Apparently they all decided to steal the pants from the Spice Girls for tonight. Can’t anyone get their own outfits?

Raw Divas vs. Smackdown Divas

I was too lazy to figure out which bleach blondes are which. Gail Kim tangles up with Melina in a sloppy showing as she tries to flip over pin. They roll around awkwardly in what is supposed to be chain wrestling. Gail Kim leaps over Melina in the corner, once again badly. Melina delivers a…really bad backflip elbow. It’s a train wreck. They both tumble to the floor and the Smackdown Divas attack Melina while the ref is distracted.

Natalia, who is looking more and more like Jim Neidhart as she swells to Barry Bonds size these days, levels Melina with a clothesline after receiving the tag. Surfboard Stretch. Melina escapes to the tag and Mickie James is in with clotheslines. Natalia comes back with power shot but Mickie goes for a head scissors in the corner. Natalia counters it into a sidewalk slam. Catfight between all the divas breaks out outside while nobody cares that Mickie is coming back with a tornado DDT on Natalia for three.
Winners: Raw

Shane is in the back to tell HHH to go talk Vince into not fighting Orton. Trips pretends he’s going to try, but we all know he’s hoping on getting that inheritance. We get a pimping for some weird ten man All Star Wrestlemania Tag match which just baffles me....

We get a replay of JBL quitting when Joker-Rey beat him last night. Why so serious? And now, Jeff Hardy. He’s teaming up with Cena, Rey, CM Punk, and the corpse of Ricky the Dragon. The heels take a great deal of time to enter too. Actually I could have made a sandwich during all of this and not missed it all.

Cena/Rey/Punk/Jeff Hardy & The Corpse of Ricky Steamboat vs. Jericho/Kane/Show/Matt Hardy & Edge

Back to the match already in progress. Jeff and Edge are in the ring with Edge on the offensive. They both clothesline each other in an almost lazy manner, kind of casually falling down. Everyone seems really out of it tonight. Cena delivers a shoulder block and arm wrench before signaling a tag to Ricky. Steamboat goes up top for a karate chop and a hook kick for two. Standing Arm bar applied as the crowd chants “You Still Got It” for Dragon. Steamboat with a cross body for two but Edge gets a cheap shot and tags in Kane. Dragon ducks a hook and takes out the leg, delivering chops and dodging a corner charge. Jericho runs into a chop to the face and Dragon takes out the heels by himself.

Jericho tags in and works Steamboat over before Big Show makes the tag and starts to toss Ricky into the corner. Steamboat tries to power back with chops but Big Show delivers a head butt and tags back out to Jericho. Headlock of doom from Jericho. Ricky rallies back and breaks free. Dragon fights back but Jericho trips him up into the Walls. Ricky counters into a small package and picks up a two. He flips out of a back suplex and CM Punk flies into the ring. Knee lift leads into the Pepsi One in the corner. Punk knocks the heels off the apron but Big Show catches him and Kane hits him from behind.

Jeff Hardy comes in with Edge and delivers several clotheslines and the below the belt leg drop. He picks up a two count and takes Edge to the corner for Whisper in the Wind. Matt breaks things up and Jeff tosses him to the floor while making the tag to Cena. Jeff leaps over the ropes to Matt. Cena goes for Edge but Big Show is in. Big Show hoists Cena who tags in Mysterio blind. Cena and Show tumble to the floor and Mysterio comes in, setting up a 619 on Edge. Jericho gets in the way but eats a head scissors an they take a double 619. Ricky delivers a top rope cross body to edge as Rey delivers a top rope splash to Jericho for the 3.
Winners: Faces

They all leave Ricky to celebrate by himself in the ring.

Elsewhere, having taken the longest walk to a dressing room in the back of all time, HHH finally arrives in Vince’s office. Trips tells him he’s a stubborn SOB and he’s proud of him. He asks for a favor, for him to finish it...

Vickie and Chavo are out for her to get more heat than anyone else tonight. She says she had received an ultimatum to pick which show to be the GM of. She is going to be the GM for Raw. Oh yay…..damnit. I miss Adamle. She says Raw is now stale and stagnant which is redundant but true. She says Edge will get a rematch for the belt at Backlash. For some reason she laughs about this. She also says the six man tag match will be for the title, with Orton or Trips able to win the match. Um, how come she can make matches for both show’s title still? And when did Russo start writing Raw again?

She interrupts the announcers as they are talking to remember to say that Edge and Cena will be in a last man standing match at Backlash.

And now, Miss Wrestlemania. It’s that song. You Are So Good to ME. Who was it that had that as a theme song? I’ve forgotten. Beth Phoenix interrupt the show with Rosa and looks a little um…upset. So apparently, Beth really does literally wear the pants in this relationship. Santina claims to be more of a woman than she will ever be. The unluckiest ref of all time is called down to the ring as we go to commercial.

Beth Phoenix w/ Rosa Mendez vs. Miss Wrestlemania Santina Marella

Beth punches Santina to the corner and proceeds to hike up the skirt and go for a spanking. Rosa tries to intervene on the outside when Santina runs but Beth chases him…her? Uhg….down. She hoists Santina up but Santina grabs the ropes and manages to land on Beth for the three count out of nowhere.
Winner: Santina

Hey didn’t this theme belong to the ambiguously gay duo of Chuck Pulumbo and Mr. Ass?

Back to the show for Randy Orton’s voices in his head…and Randy Orton. I’d really just rather watch the voices wrestle one of these days. Maybe they have a work ethic. Vince doesn’t have as much of a swagger as usual on his way to the ring. He always looks like he’s dressed more for a bike race than a fight.

Randy Orton vs. Vince McMahon

They stare down for a bit before Vince slaps him hard enough to send Orton to his knees. He delivers another big right and punches Orton up into the corner, goes for his sledgehammer wounds. Vince stomps Orton down in the corner taunts him with more rights. Vince taunts a stumbling Orton and kicks him in the ribs, sending Orton to the floor. Orton’s face gets intimate with the announce desk several times over. Orton is tossed into the ring edge and rammed into it continuously. I like the one really loud guy booing Vince.

Back in the ring, Orton slips behind for his inverted neck breaker. Orton sets up for some right hands and kicks of his own, stomping him down into the mat and dropping knees to the back of the head. Orton stalks and drags him up for an RKO. Orton seems to be contemplating making out with Vince on the ground like he did Stephanie. Orton sets up for a kick as Vince staggers but Shane trips him up by the ankle.
Winner: Orton

The ref doesn’t actually call the match for some reason, just looking annoyed as Shane beats on Orton and Legacy arrives to beat Shane’s ass in turn. Triple H comes down and clotheslines Rhodes on his way by, slinging Dibiase to the wall. Orton catches him on the way in but Trips comes back with a clothesline. The three on one begins though. Dibiase holds Trips for Orton before delivering whatever his finisher is called (who cares?) to Shane. They go back to kicking the crap out of Trips when Batista randomly decides to appear. He as even enough to oil himself before coming to the rescue. Batista spears Dibiase and slings Orton to the floor before crushing Rhodes with a spine buster. Cody rolls out from the Batista bomb but Trips and Shane put him back in. Vince grabs a microphone to say he’s right that he won’t make it to Backlash, so he’s replacing himself with big Dave instead. Orton seems to be visibly upset by this news for some reason...

Thats That!