Parking Lot Personas

The parking lot is, statistically, one of the most dangerous places to both walk and drive in America. Yet, many people are still forced to make use of parking lots on a regular, sometimes daily basis. The key to surviving a parking lot experience is knowledge, particularly knowledge of the indigenous creatures – the parkers. Parkers come in many different varieties, each with unique characteristics, many of which are harmless. Like every rule, there are exceptions. And the exceptions are the ones which must be approached with caution.

The Lot Stalker – Known for their tense posture, this parker is typically spotted leaning forward over the steering wheel, teeth grit, knuckles white, as they slowly pace through parking lots. This parker finds the slow pace infuriating, but is bound to follow it as they tail pedestrians through parking lots in hopes of quickly occupying their abandoned parking spots. When viewed from a distance, the site of constantly circling Lot Stalkers slowly following pedestrians is instantly reminiscent of an evolutionary cousin, the vulture.

The Reverserati – This particular parker considers himself a forward thinker. Even before he has found his parking spot, the driver is already mentally leaving the store. Perhaps they foresee a fire, perhaps a flood, but whatever the case, this driver is determined to back into their parking spot, facilitating a faster exit. The inherent danger with the Reverserati comes from an overestimation of their parking abilities. Though the Reversati habitually attempts to reverse into parking spots, the parker's actual skill at the maneuver is often lacking. This dichotomy results in minutes of brake lights and malformed turning maneuvers which put pedestrians and other drivers in danger.

The Parkfectionist - Parkfectionists are on a quest for a fabled parking spot which many drivers claim to be a myth comparable to Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster. Yes, the Parkfectionist, for motives similar to the Reverserati, will only park in a spot with an empty spot in front of it. Should that elusive pair of lined up parking spots be found, the Parkfectionist will pull through into the second spot, thus free to pull straight out when they are done. Unlike the Reverserati, they don't endanger others by backing up. The Parkfectionist simply wanders around the parking lot for ages, waiting for that perfect spot to appear. When questioned on this desire, one successful Parkfectionist described the experience as almost religious in nature.

The Parking Artist – This parker is perhaps the most elusive of all parkers because they are seldom actually seen in the act of parking. Their work, however, is easily detected. Some parking anthropologists have attempted to trace the origins of this parker to a kindergarten teacher who told students that it was okay to color outside of the lines. As tenuous as this logic is, the Parking Artist's work is typically noted by the driver's inability to park straight, often even failing to park within a spot's lines.

The Speed Racer – This parker's motto is simple: Live fast, die young, get an awesome parking spot. For this type of parker, the good spaces go to those with the heaviest foot and the quickest wits. The Speed Racer has no issue using sidewalks and loading areas as passing lanes and is rumored to secretly practice Hollywood-style fishtail parking moves late at night. This parker's devotion to speed creates a certain amount of tension in parking lots, leaving the Speed Racer as a universally hated parker. The Speed Racer and the Parkfectionist can "butt heads" with disastrous results. In the wild they are mortal enemies.

Parking lots, like the watering holes of the African savannah, tend to draw different types of parkers at different times. However, there are busy periods such as daily meal and holidays, which draw veritable mobs of parkers as they migrate into and out of parking lots. Possessing a solid understanding of how to identify different types of parkers allows parking watchers to safely witness this wonder of the natural world. Now we understand why you need parking permits.