Raw is Curtis For 04/27/09

RAW IS CURTIS

04.27.09

Two week break. So what. Here I am. Since it would have made too much sense to have titles change hands at Wrestlemania, they decided to switch them all around at Backlash instead. Surprise! Say hello to your new champion, Randy Orton, who only goes to show you can take out your aggressions on your boss and still get a World Title for your efforts.

Lets get Tricks started!

Show opens with The Chimp who is happy about Edge winning last night as well. She can barely be heard over the jeers here. She goes on to introduce Orton as well for us. The announcers really run out of things to talk about since Orton takes his damn sweet time walking around slowly with the “Serious” face on.

Orton tells us the McMahon family is all sad and emo about last night and that the rest of us are all the same. He goes on to say he is different because he’s actually a success and made history. Like that time he rose from the dead. Or the time that he invaded Poland. He goes on to play clips of him destroying all the McMahon’s one by one with kicks to the head. Vickie reminds us she exists much to our chagrin. She says Big Show and Batista will take each other on tonight for the right to face Orton at Judgment Day. Orton says everyone has to respect him when suddenly….MVP interrupts his speech. HAHA?

MVP says he’s the US Champion and he doesn’t answer to nobody which is a double negative and thus retarded…. Dibiase thinks he needs to talk for some reason. Um…Ted says he better leave unless he wants his first night on the show to suck. MVP says Orton didn’t give him permission to speak, Raw isn’t a dictatorship or the Orton Show, it’s Raw. Well at least he can read. MVP says he will beat Randy himself if Batista and Big Show can’t take care of it. Rhodes decides they should all take him out. Orton calls him off before telling Vickie something. This segment is bordering on twenty mind-blistering minutes here. Vickie says MVP will take on Randy Orton tonight. How many shirts is MVP wearing anyway?

Brian Kendrick is out to the ring now in an outfit he seems to have stolen from Mad Max. He corrects Lillian when he gets in to be announced with a 'The' in front of his name. He’s taking on The Kofi Kingston.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Brian Kendrick

Kingston leaps over Kendrick but Kendrick nails him with a slap. Kendrick tries to run but Kofi keeps catching him until a cheap shot opens for Kendrick. Kendrick comes back off the apron with an elbow and levels Kingston with a Missile Dropkick off the top for two. He goes to some kind of weird sleeper on the ground. Kingston breaks free and takes Kendrick down with a chop, kick, clothesline combo into the Boom Boom Boom for two.

Kendrick comes back while I glance away to pick up his own two count. Kingston powers right back and tries a springboard cross body but Kendrick rolls through for two. They stand up but Kingston spins into Trouble in Paradise for three.
Winner: Kingston

Big Show talks to Vickie in the back about his actions with Cena and when he tries to move in she pulls back, thank God, and they decide to have a strictly professional relationship...

Back to the show where we get a replay of how Santina kept “her” title of Miss Wrestlemania.

Santina & Brie Bella & Kelly Kelly & Mickie James vs. Glamazon & Rosa & Maryse & Jillian

Santina and Beth start off with Beth slapping…her…in the…chest….Santina runs away screaming and tags in Brie. Brie gets her ass completely kicked and Jillian makes the tag for a somersault leg drop that she misses. Brie goes under the ring and Rosa chases. Nickie Bella is under there as well…and so is Hornswoggle who chases her off. Beth and Maruse chase him back under the ring and are attacked by smoke. Whichever Bella is in makes the tag to Santina who rolls up Jillian for three.
Winners: “Divas”

Santina poses on the apron and Hornswoggle comes out to peek up the skirt in complete surprise…and pass out. I can only hope he’s dead…nah he got up. Damnit.

Back to the show. Matt Hardy, one of the draftees comes out to say that last night Jeff proved he is nothing more than a sensitive, uncaring, heartless barbarian and his hand is broken, thus the cast he now sports a la Bob Orton. He also uses some medical term which basically means he has no idea what happened. He swears he didn’t quit and has never quit anything ever. Not even those drugs. He says he had no option but to quit after his hand was broken and he has no option but wrestle tonight. God he’s whining and bitching. He says he is wrestling under protest…and why the hell is he wrestling Goldust?

Matt Hardy vs. Goldust

Matt runs from Goldust constantly and keeps leaping out of the ring when Goldust approaches. He then sneaks up on Goldust from behind and nails him in the back of the head with his cast for three.
Winner: Hardy

Riveting wrestling action like none other. And I mean that. It’s exactly like no wrestling.

MVP is out next with the most inappropriate theme song where he constantly informs us he is reaching sexual gratification, or at least that’s how I read it. Don’t judge me.

Randy Orton vs. MVP (Non-title Match)

King and Cole argue with each other over whether or not Orton is on top of the mountain right now in an awkward exchange that just seems like King is trying to make Cole look stupid which is far from difficult. Orton keeps control early until MVP finally slips out of a headlock into an wrist lock. Orton fireman carries his way out as like a couple of dudes chant for Orton only for a large amount of women to chant that he sucks. Orton takes control of the match, kicking MVP around. MVP blocks a right and delivers a few knees to the gut before knocking him down for a flying knee for two.

Orton begins working MVP with a headlock. Sigh. Orton covers MVP for two out of a clothesline and is back to the headlock. He claims he does these just to piss off smarks, but I find it odd you’d purposefully make yourself less entertaining unless you just lack the talent to be any more entertaining. MVP breaks loose with a back body drop. They both stand to brawl with reeling punches. MVP kicks low but Orton catching him wit a shoulder block only to eat a belly to belly suplex. Orton catches MBP in the corner with a kick but an uppercut allows for MVP’s Ballin’ and a two count. How many of these People’s Elbow moves are there now? Orton catches MVP and dumps him over the ropes to the floor….and Shane comes in with a Shinai to beat the holy crap out of Orton.
Winner: Orton

Shane kicks the crap out of him before going up top for an elbow drop. Legacy arrives with chairs and Shane escapes through the crowd. Shane taunts from the top of the crowd. That builds up a lot of Smackdown meter....

And now, The Miz….yeah I know. He rants and then demands he wants to crush Cena on his very first night on Raw. This comes right after they said Cena won’t be here tonight so of course the person who answers the call with Cena’s entrance is….no one. He says Cena is afraid of him. Yaaawwwwwn. He mocks Cena’s movies and says he’s tired of seeing the same superstars in main events every week of every year. He should tell that to the rest of Raw too I think. And Edge. He says Cena forfeits tonight by not showing up and demands Lillian announce him the winner. He finally decides to announce it himself with his best Mr. Kennedy impression....

Carlito & Primo vs. Chavo & Noble

Chavo and Noble? What the...? Chavo starts with Carlito and works an armbar, getting his other hand lost somewhere deep in Carlito’s hair. Carlito counters a headlock take down with a foot press slam that is totally botched. Primo tags in. Jamie is dumped to the floor when he tries to come in and Primo taunts by flipping around. Jamie distracts Primo and Chavo dumps him to the floor from behind. Noble tags in who is sporting considerably less hair now and is thus much more evil. Noble demands that Primo quit from his deadly headlock. This doesn’t work for some reason, baffling. Noble hammers on the back but Primo counters a suplex with a cross body for two.

Chavo makes the tag before Primo can and delivers a vaulting clothesline for two. Primo walks into an elbow in the corner, but Chavo is caught off the top with a dropkick. Primo takes Chavo out on the apron but Noble tries for a neck breaker on Carlito. Carlito counters into the Apple Jack for the win.
Winners: Colons

Batista is asked in the back if he feels responsible for Trips losing the title last night. Rather than actually answer that question he just gives a heroic speech to HHH and moves on.

Lillian reintroduces Vickie in case we forgot who she is. I wish I had. She once again plays that video of all the stuff Orton has done to people. She decides to make Orton vs. Shane for next week. Since this was apparently a high quality segment we need another break. Man, remember that time you saw a vignette of something that just happened and thought to yourself “Man I’m wiped out and could use a commercial right now!”? Well, this moment was for you.

Batista vs. The Big Show (#1 Contender’s Match)

Batista powers Show into a corner but the break is called. Batista tries for a waist lock only to be tossed off. Big Show takes a few right and tries for a choke slam but Batista escapes and tries for the Batista Bomb. Big Show just shoves him off….and we go to another damn commercial! Give me a break….no not that kind! Give me a break from all these breaks.

Back to the match. Big Show is getting a two count off something we didn’t get to see because they hate us. Big Show pummels Batista with a head butts and punches in the corners. Batista is whipped off the ropes into a punch to the gut and Big Show drags him up for a head butt. Batista blocks and rams himself into Show in the corner only to be hammered down and walked on. Show stands on him with some rope leverage. He then proceeds to stretch Batista around the ring post outside. The ref is kind enough to allow him several counts on all these things. Batista tries to rally back with rights and kicks but a low blow levels him again.

Scoop slam leads to Big Show dropping and elbow. Both these guys have already blown up like hot air balloons. Go chin lock!…Go second chin lock! Go bear hug! Riveting. Batista starts beating Show in the head and rakes the eyes to break his way out. Batista stomps the mat to signal for a Batista bomb but he walks right into a Chokeslam. Batista rolls to the floor and Show follows as we see Cena staggering his way out to the entrance ramp. Batista crawls back into the ring while Big Show is distracted and barely doesn’t make it back to the ring by ten.
Winner: Batista

Big Show stares down with Cena from the ring and turns into a spear from Batista. I wonder if he’s mad that he lost his match to Miz?

Thats That!