Sex in Marriage - The Belief That Sex is Optional!

One of the top reasons given by men for infidelity is dissatisfaction with or lack of sex. With women, it's the lack of attention. Yet, their dissatisfaction is inevitable when you consider the lack of priority given to sex in the marriage.

In his book, RELATIONSHIP RESCUE, Dr. Phil McGraw writes, "If you have a good sexual relationship, it registers about ten percent on the 'important scale'...But if you do not have a good sexual relationship, that registers about ninety percent..." When sex is withheld, even for understandable reasons, it subjects your partner to discomfort and vulnerability. Sex in marriage is so important that the Bible warns that any abstinence should be consensual and brief.

In a good sexual relationship, both women and men get vital needs met. You respect one another's uniqueness and create a loving and satisfying sexual partnership.

Some years back, I facilitated a group of men and women who talked candidly about relationship issues. After conducting the group for almost a year, it became obvious to me that there was a lack of acceptance of gender differences. Men and women criticized one another for their gender-specific qualities. For instance, a common complaint among men was that women are too emotional. And for women, men don't know how to express their feelings. There seemed to be a lack of respect there. It caused me to question whether men and women would even like each other if it weren't for sexual attraction.

As I've said before, I believe that taking the time to know your partner is the greatest compliment you can give them. I applaud efforts to read relationship books. Yet, many couples read to learn how to get what they want rather than to understand their partner. And when the techniques don't work, they blame their partner.

Intimacy requires that you put aside your agenda and seek to nourish your partner. It's not enough for a husband to know his wife's pleasure points physically, he needs to know her pleasure points emotionally, spiritually, and all the other -allys. If a husband attends to those areas in ways that are meaningful to his wife, she'll want to have sex. Wives need to know that husbands respond to their softness and feminine grace more than nagging and criticism. When she understands this, she doesn't have to manipulate to gain her husband's attention.

Sex has to be more than a belief; it has to be a value. Sex has to be a priority. You can believe that sex should be a part of marriage. But that belief can be underwritten with "if I feel like it" or "if he or she does what I want." However, when sex is a value of your marriage, both parties make it such a priority that they do what's necessary to protect that aspect of their relationship.

Life happens. Therefore, it is important that husbands and wives keep one another accountable sexually. It is not easy but it is necessary. Challenge decisions that detract from intimacy. If your schedules are demanding, make an appointment for sex. Be flexible about the when and the where. It doesn't have to be a night thing; it can be a lunch thing. Anticipate challenges and plan for them. Build a supportive network or budget babysitter services into your financial plan. Make it priority to get into your partner's space.

Most infidelity happens with people whom your spouse has constant interaction with. It might be his secretary or family friend. It might be her male coworker or the parent of a child. It's not that these people are vultures waiting to descend on your spouse. They are accessible. Don't take it for granted that your partner loves you. Pay attention. A love note on her pillow or a promise of sex when he gets home keeps you on your partner's mind.

Your marriage is worth the effort. When sex is really good, it strengthens the bond between a man and a woman. Keep that fire burning!