Peace in the Family

In order to make peace in the world it's a good idea to start a little closer in our own families. The family is the core upon which the world is built and the home is the sanctuary. The family is the place where we are taught to share, love, and grow into the person we are meant to be. It is a place to return for comfort, validation, and support. The family is also a place where we are challenged and confronted with intense, often conflicted emotional relationships.

Family members, the ones to whom we turn to fill our deepest needs and desires, are also the ones to whom we are most vulnerable. In order for us to have good relationships in the world at large, it is crucial to learn how to be at peace with our family. The home cannot be a sanctuary unless there is peace in the family that lives there. This is probably the most difficult challenge of all.

Difficult family relationships are not a matter of chance. Family members are given to one another as teachers, or to correct past errors. They are a means of developing new parts of ourselves. Whether or not you like a family member, the bond goes deep. In Overlooking the difficulties and needs of your brothers or sisters is a mistake. They are your teachers. The way you treat your brothers and sisters is a training ground for your relationship with the whole world.

In order to make peace in the family, there are various principles and actions to take and to refrain from, which create healing easily.

A foundational principle is, “You are your brother’s keeper. Take good care of him.” No matter what differences exist, no matter what disappointment, hurt, or rivalry, overcome them and put your brother’s and sister’s needs above your own. Deeds of kindness are needed, no matter how you feel. Share, listen, go out of your way, put your selfishness aside. When you learn to make peace with your family, then all other relationships can flourish and grow.

We not only have our families of origin, but alternative families at work, in the community, in sports teams and spiritual families as well. These families come from all walks of life, all races, religions, conditions, and educational backgrounds. At times the level of intimacy between our alternative families may be deeper than between members of our family of origin. Some groups or alternative families are dedicated to offering unconditional acceptance, encouragement, and sanctuary to one another. As you interact, you forge a profound, timeless bond and can develop a sense of oneness. Wherever you go, you are always together.

Of course, as in the alternative family, problems arise as well. These problems are fuel for growth. The Buddha gave a great teaching for dealing with problems in the family, and world at large: “Do not look at the faults of others. Look at your own deeds, done and undone.”

To create peace in any family, first you must heal the war within. When you wish to create true and lasting peace, take your attention away from the situation that is causing distress. Do not focus on fixing it, changing others or casting blame. Instead, take total responsibility for your part in what is happening and look within. The only one you can change is yourself. What have you done or left undone? Correcting yourself is the best way to alter a difficult situation.

The modern-day teacher Thich Nat Hahn describes this beautifully: “Although we cannot cover the entire world with peace, we can cover our own feet and, one step at a time, walk along, bringing peace with us.”

If we try to fix a troubled world while we ourselves are filled with anger and confusion, we are of little value. Our ultimate contribution is who we are. We do not cover the truth of who we are with good intentions or fight for causes. First we face ourselves. When we are ready, we can bring true ease of heart wherever we go.