Running With the Gold

Olympic fever is spreading worldwide, thanks to an interestingly choreographed version of the 2008 Summer Games manufactured - as is so much else in the world - by the Chinese.

The 2008 Summer Games began with a brilliant (though partially digitally created) Opening Ceremony, running through a series of events in which the Chinese seem to be carrying the day - or at least the largest number of gold medals, and soon to culminate in that Christmas Afternoon of all let-downs - the Closing Ceremony.

According to some pundits, more people worldwide have watched these Olympic Games than the last two summer series. Part of that increase in viewership may be attributed to the fact that televisions in most Chinese households are expected to be tuned to the hometown spectacle. Americans are interested in seeing if this year's Dream Team beats the debacle of the past two Dream Teams and actually wins a gold medal, and certainly were chuffed to see Michael Phelps' amazing achievements in the blue, blue water of Beijing.

It's always a big draw to see the little American girls of the gymnastics team, and this year, there's no question that the head-to-head with China's very little girls made the Games that much more interesting. For me, the Chinese had a major advantage - they weren't accompanied by Béla Károlyi and his Really Romanian Wardrobe.

I sat with several couples one night and we watched the Games. Ostensibly, the reason we tuned in was to watch sporting events. It soon became clear, though, that we were also going to spend a good deal of the evening making fun of the clothing of the judges, the commentators (or Common Taters, as we call them), and the coaches.

It does seem odd to me that the nation is so very interested in being certain that the best fashion designers put together the ensembles that the U.S. Olympic team will wear during the Parade of Nations. That's how our nation will be introduced - the clothes are supposed to show us at our best. However, to let the bar drop so precipitously during the rest of the games smacks to me of Casual Fridays - if you're looking professional for the rest of the week, why take a day off to look like crap?

The professionals who represent our country at the Olympics should keep that in mind.

For his part, Béla, replete with Stalin mustache and very, very, odd, wide Hush Puppies shoes, looked like an Eastern European old guy on his way to an Elks Lodge dance. His tie was too light, his jacket too flimsy. Overall, he gave the impression of a guy who got dressed in the dark.

A lot of the commentators were dressed in similarly dismaying style. Let me speak one word about those colored shirts - rendered in hideous stripes or disgusting solids - with white collars: STOP. Really, the idea of dressing like Cornelius Hackl in Hello, Dolly! is really too over-the-top for even you. Besides, which, it's just Plain bad Taste.

Your tie should complement, not clash with, your shirt. Your lapels should be roughly the same width as your tie, and your tie should reach your belt buckle. If it doesn't, or you can't tie it to make that happen, close your jacket and don't eat big meals so that it can stay closed.

Your trousers, if you are wearing a suit, should match your jacket. If you are wearing a blazer, be sure that your jacket and pants are about the same weight, and that the colors work together. Because you are probably not a fashion maven with an innate instinct for layering prints and textures, it's a good idea to wear a solid color blazer with patterned (herringbone, plaid, etc) trousers or vice versa. And if you aren't really stylish and thin, you won't get away with plaid trousers.

Do not add your bling with eight or nine diamond studs the size of marshmallows pegged in through your ears, nostrils, or other facial parts. A good watch - tasteful, not weighed-down - is always a good accessory. Remember, your watch should not look as if it could be driven in Manhattan for the evening or Calgary for the winter.

If you like bling, and prefer to go a more tasteful route than wearing much of the South African diamond mines on your person, pick a really nice pair of cufflinks to set off your complete look. Cuff links on a man are like pearl earrings on a woman - always classic, always stylish, always timeless.

And to show your Olympic spirit, you could pick some cufflinks with American symbolism - flags, eagles, and even coins. If you prefer to dedicate your wrists to your favorite sport, why not choose cufflinks with basketballs, baseballs, or some other sports motif?

If you're just dead-set on showing everyone that, like Michael Phelps, you're Number One, buy a nice set of gold engraved cufflinks as you see fit - and you'll have your own personal gold medal.