Marriage Breakups?? Put A Brake!!

I know the very title itself sounds so distinctive! Isn’t it? Check this out to know more!

Post my article ‘Marital Bliss’, I have been getting clients whose married life is on a toll. I feel people just don’t understand the basic inevitability of being married. I think it is high time for all those married people to realize the importance of being married to someone! I

It is very appalling to perceive even marriages of so many years making its way to show curtains i.e. come to an end. I do agree that it is not that easy to maintain a relationship; but if you need and love someone, then you ought to do at least something to withhold that special relationship.

Though I have personally counseled all my clients, I appeal to all my clients not to consider this that I am generalizing the issue. I had to raise this issue because I know it affects each and everyone of us because no marriage is perfect on this earth! Good marriages just do not happen. They are nurtured and given a lot of care to mould the way you want to make the best out of it. I wanted to address this issue from quite a long time, but thought to espouse on this eve of International Women’s Day!

I strongly believe that Communication is the only tool to keep your relationship healthier. Speak out what you want and do not be hesitant in saying what you need out of this relationship. No matter what your spouse think at that point, but you need to firstly explicitly convey what you feel like saying. It is very certain that your spouse will not agree at one stretch to whatever you have said, but the tact lies in how you convince your partner in saying that what you need is in no way wrong. At this point, I recommend using your leadership skills to get the work done. Please understand “getting the things done” do not mean that you can get all those wild desires fulfilled. Be genuine in what you ask for. If you are right at your point, then your spouse would definitely agree to what you say if not swiftly, but gradually!

And the next step is working towards those expressed feelings. See what you can do to accomplish those expressed feelings. You must know what needs to be done in accordance to get those wants fulfilled.

Keep your communications open all the time. If you feel something is going wrong, intimate to your partner immediately. Don’t wait for time. Time runs too fast and you will not get a chance to complain later in the future. Communication becomes the drawback in most of the cases. Do not burst out with anger whenever such a situation arises; instead you should communicate to each other about your feelings and make your partner understand the situation and cooperate with you.

Fights are very common in all marriages! I would say, no marriage is complete without “fights”. But when we literally have a fight with our spouse, we think only our married life is like this and all those who look happily married really do not have any problems at all. You think only you are suffering and all others are happy! But the other side of the mirror is too diverse to understand. Every couple have their own cup of problems. But it is for you to discuss and sort out the problems and let the fights not traumatize your married life!

Adjustment is the key word to all married couple. Fundamentally both Men and Women are very different from each other. Their ways of reacting and their ways of understanding the situation is also very different from each other. So, you must understand the differences and make up whenever a problem persists instead of stretching too much on the fights.

After a certain period of time in a married life, I find many couples cultivate some negative traits towards their spouse to some extent. I strongly oppose this. When you build up this kind of negativity within yourself towards your spouse, do you think you can withhold your relationship with them? Do not show your anguishness by hatred! But one must also understand in the due course that nobody in this world is born with the feeling of either love or hatred. It is just inculcated in their nature either by themselves or by others during the course of their upbringing or nurturing them. And those who cultivate ‘hatred’ as a characteristic would lead to nowhere. This is in turn abolishing the innocence with which we are born.

Most of the couples urge that their wife / husband have not changed after their marriage. It is very natural that everyone after their marriage take sometime to transform themselves into their second half of life. But it is very annoying to note that such a thing do not happen even after long long years. Give priority to him/her first before anything else. One must understand the fact that no Spouse on this earth thinks he / she comes in 2nd or 3rd position in their Spouse’s life. They always expect themselves to be at the top number and it is quite natural and there is nothing wrong in such expectations. You also think that he/she must give first preference to you and it is the same feeling from the other end too.

One important aspect in keeping the relationship moving on is to understand that we are not GODs i.e. we are bound to make mistakes. All human beings are just the normal human beings who tend to make mistakes very often. After committing mistakes, it is the time to learn from them and not repeat them. Do not repeat the same mistakes again and again. This does not mean that I am backing you to make a new mistake every now and then. Please learn from the mistakes and that will help you become a better person. Mistakes always help you in knowing realities of life and understand the facts better. It makes you more cautious to keep your foot safely the next time around.

Another task is to avoid interference from both of the families in your married life. Sounds very eccentric but I have witnessed most of the couples who are even today suffering because of huge family interferences. Initially it appears to be a good advice / suggestion from both the sides. But you never know when that little advice could turn out to be a huge interference in your lives. Basically, for any marriage to work on itself, I personally feel – there need not be any kind of family interference from both the sides. You and your spouse come in the innermost circle; rather you both complete the innermost circle of relationship. Your family and friends follow respectively. So, work out together whenever a problem arise instead of publicizing to others. I know we can’t stop our parents or in-laws giving guidance on our lives. But it is for you to handle it carefully and you know what is good for your life. Listen to their opinions, but it does not mean you fight with your spouse on those recommendations. Try to be unbiased when you hear those suggestions and convey the same to your spouse.

For instance, if you fall sick or get bed-ridden, it is your SPOUSE who attends to your needs and not your family or friends all the way from wherever they are. So build up that confidence and trustworthiness and respect your Spouse for that. It definitely boosts up their level of affection towards you and you can find him / her anytime you need them.

One defining note to all those who neglect their spouse, whatever might be the height of achievement in your life professionally, don’t you think your personal life contributes to a great extent to complete your self-being? Ask this question to yourself and you will certainly find the answer the very next moment. You might be an astonishing performer at your office but I have seen people feeling the dearth of a good personal life though they are big shots in their professional life. To be a complete human being or a person it is very essential to balance the equilibrium of having a personal life as well as a professional life. I have personally felt the difference between the two of it where one is quite and the other one is making hell lot of noises. But still you don’t feel complete. So implicate a proportionate balance between the two and you will definitely be on Cloud 9! Show that you care and love your partner. What have you got to lose in showing your love rather what do you achieve in showing negligence? When you show negligence you achieve nothing at all but you will absolutely be loved and cared a lot for that nice gesture of showing love and care!

For instance, even if you make one billion dollars in a single day - at the end of the day – you do need a person to appreciate that success or support your further activities in life. And that one person is your SPOUSE. My concern is why people fail to understand this basic need of their life without which their married life is incomplete!

As a conclusion note to this writing, I would like to share one tragic moment that I came across a short time ago. A couple fell in who love with each other and got married a couple of years ago. They loved each other a lot and stayed together for almost one and a half years. They were tagged a happily married couple by all of their friends and family. One terrific day, both of them got into an argument and that too it was not much of importance at that point of time. As usual the husband left to office and later his wife closed all the doors and set herself ablaze. Till today the husband is not able to realize why she did like that. Because he says there were no such big issues for which she could have taken such a drastic step in her life. Even today every evening she comes to his mind and disturbs a lot. He is not able to forget her. He is professionally a great person who is doing at his best and you can’t ask for anything more; but personally he stands at a zero point. My eyes were filled when I heard this painful story but in a fit of moment of anger anything can happen!

My intention to share this with you all is just to convey that get more cautious about your married life and never let things go beyond your control. If you find your marriage is not working, find out what is lacking in the relationship and work towards making it a Happy Married Life!

Put an unadulterated team work towards your married life. It is not just for him or just for her to work towards your marriage; but it is for you both to work towards your Marriage!

On this note, I wish I have made an endeavour in conveying what I wanted, to stop Marriage Breakups! I hope you all will work towards your marriage and save your marriage! Never let your loved one go just like that…..withhold that special someone because we all need love and care to survive!

Roopa Sushil