Why Hasn’t He Called Me Back?

“He still hasn’t called, Angelina,” I stated matter-of-factly to my girlfriend. “Don’t worry, Katie,” she assured me, “he’s probably just busy. You said he’s been crazy at work, right?” As much as Angelina’s excuses attempted to salve the sting of imminent rejection, I had to finally face the fact that Nathan wasn’t going to call. It had been a week since I left the “if you’re interested in scheduling that date, great, if not, it was a pleasure to meet you” voicemail. No answer. Ouch. That stung. Especially since I really enjoyed myself with him. Especially since we had so much in common. Especially since he seemed so into me. I sat and pondered the situation before me and thought about all the reasons why Nathan wouldn’t call back. He was the one who reached to kiss me! He was the one who wanted to cook dinner for me! He was the one who kept calling me (up until now, that is). So, what was the deal?

I decided to let go of Nathan and whatever fantasies my mind had been hoping would manifest and turn that energy onto discovering the main reasons why men don’t call back after a seemingly good date. After extensive research (mainly, polling my wonderful male friends), here are the five major reasons that a man will not call a woman after a date:

1. He’s dating other women and you didn’t make the cut – I met Nathan on a dating website and let’s be honest – dating efficiently online requires the ability to juggle multiple potential partners at once. I knew this. Nathan had been my second date that week and I’m sure I was just one of his. Though I had had an amazing time on our second date, perhaps he was not as impressed. Or perhaps I just didn’t stand out enough among the handful of women he was dating. Actively dating is a full time job! And it’s cut-throat! If I didn’t make a unique impression, Nathan had three other women who were peaking his interests and with whom he could spend his precious time.

2. He’s afraid of rejection – If a guy enjoyed himself and is giving you all the signs of being interested, he may hesitate to contact you afterwards because he simply couldn’t read you well enough. If there is any doubt in his mind that you are as interested in him as he is in you, he may not call because he’s afraid of being rejected. So you laughed together and had a great conversation. But were you really into him? Are you going to come up with some excuse not to see him again? These are the thoughts he may be thinking and the pressure of receiving a no might be so powerful that it will deter him from calling.

3. He has a girlfriend – Even though you’re pure in your intentions to date, many people out there are not. Many of us take for granted that the people with whom we plan a date are available in the first place. But why would they even agree to go out on a date with me if they’re already in a relationship? You may be asking. Because there are those people (and please notice that I’m not being gender-specific here…this goes for both men and women) that are not happy in their current situation and are constantly looking for other romantic opportunities. Under this umbrella lies the “recent girlfriend” as well – the girlfriend who isn’t really a girlfriend at this particular moment but with whom ties are not completely broken. You catch my drift? No matter what, this category signifies that he is not available. There is some situation or person in his life that is prohibiting him from being fully present and available for you.

4. You didn’t read the signs well – I know none of us like to admit it, but let’s be honest: We’ve often created grand scenarios in our heads that were much more fantastic than the true reality of the situation. Meaning, we’ve attached a lot of meaning to tiny facets of our dating experiences that seem to drown out the fact that there are huge Red Flags flying all around us. For example, I became so enamored with Nathan that I somehow overlooked the fact that he had mentioned once that he had just ended a long-term relationship. How did that vital piece of information get shoved aside in my consciousness? Because I didn’t want to pay attention to the bright, flashing sign that would ruin the experience I was having with Nathan. The reality was, however, that because I didn’t pay attention to this Red Flag, I was genuinely surprised by his disappearance instead of honestly seeing that Reason #3 was the probable cause of his silence. I learned to pay attention after that!

5. He wasn’t the right one – I am a firm believer that if things are meant to be, they will happen naturally and with very little, if any, resistance. When we put our intentions out into the world (in this case my intention was that I wanted great love), take action (actively date) and then let go of all control over the outcome, we relieve ourselves of the anxiety of unnecessary work or manipulation. I really believe that if Nathan were supposed to be the man in my life, he would have called and our relationship would have blossomed. But, he never did. And I didn’t fight it. I was upset, yes, but I accepted the situation for what it was and decided to believe that he simply was the not man I was supposed to be with. This may sound like a sneaky way to trick your mind into forgetting about the painful rejection – and it may be. But, moreso it’s going with the flow of life and learning how to take the painful hits and still realize that you are still winning the battle.

Though these five major explanations may help you to understand why the guy you thought was Mr. Right didn’t call you after a date, the ultimate goal is not to understand, but to simply see the situation with clarity and accept it for what it is.