How To Host The Worst Baby Shower Ever!

1. Take it upon yourself to organise a surprise baby shower, simply because you like the idea of “playing” with all the cutesy baby stuff, rather than because you like the Mother and want to make her feel special.

2. Realise after announcing your intention to host the shower that you have no idea of a) whether she actually wants a baby shower, b) whether she would want a surprise shower and c) you don’t really know her as well as you thought but it seemed like a really good idea at the time.

3. Decide that even if she doesn’t want a shower, surprise or otherwise, she’s probably too polite to say so once the whole thing’s been loudly and publicly sprung on her, so you may as well go ahead and do exactly what you want anyway.

4. Dream up the guest list all by yourself, with no consultation with anyone else at all, but remember to invite all your single friends who also enjoy ooohing and aahing over teeny weeny baby grows and vaguely recall meeting “the Mother” once at a work do you once took them to.

5. Totally ignore the concept of a budget and put everything to do with the shower on your credit card to worry about later, after all that’s what you do with all your party expenses, and this is no different. Just get online and spend spend spend! That’s what you’d want if it were your shower, isn’t it?

6. Don’t bother sticking to one theme when there are so many wonderful themes to choose from! Why not throw in a bit of everything and have a “Winnie the pooh-pampering-Mom-diaper-and-chocolate-tea-party-with-pillows-up-your-jumpers-baby-shower?

7. Pick out all your best party food, with little or no regard for taste or suitability. Just get all those goodies which always make a party go with a swing, and the Mother will probably be pleased anyway. After all, it’s sooo much easier for her to avoid the oysters, pate and champagne than it is for you to throw a party (sorry, shower) that isn’t a total success.

8. Have the shower at your place so that you don’t have to rush on The Day, and waste valuable hair and make-up time travelling to The Mother’s house. It may be her day but there’s no point you looking less than gorgeous, is there?(It’s going to be much harder to keep it a secret if you have to decorate her house, and have things delivered to there etc etc). And she does only have to walk up the three flights of stairs to your apartment once when she comes and once when she leaves. Exercise is good for pregnant people.

9. Choose a date entirely to suit yourself with no thought whatsoever for the Mother’s schedule or general well being. Make sure it’s not too close to the due-date, in case she goes into labour on your new Persian rug, which would be a pity. (Very hard to clean...)

10. As far as the time of the shower goes, make sure it’s when all your friends will be able to attend, so that you aren’t left alone with the Mother and or her family (if you managed to find any of them). Obviously, if it’s on a weekend, make sure it’s late enough in the day for any hangovers to have subsided, but early enough to avoid invoking any more.

11. Sending out the invitations should be a very quick affair. No need for time consuming candy wrappers with date and time etc, or lovingly handcrafted baby-themed cards for the guests to keep. The easiest invitations by far are those sent by e-mail. Just haphazardly get together a list of all those people who might know The Mother and do a mail out to them all in one go, with an added note that if there’s anyone you might have missed off, could they let them know the dates etc. Easy.

12. Lots of people have wonderful ideas about introducing the guests to one another as they arrive, e.g. getting them to wear a picture of their child pinned to their shirt – which is fantastic for making childless guests feel like complete loosers, especially if they’re desperately trying for a baby and failing. Also having them wear badges telling the assembled company their connection with the Mother should only be used if a) they actually have a connection with the mother and aren’t just one of your friends, and b) if you are absolutely sure that no-one is going to write “I shared a cell with her in B-wing”, thereby ruining the ambience you have tried so hard to create.

13. Above all, remember that this is your chance to shine and show the world what a fantastic shower hostess you are, and that The Mother really will be too hormonal to think straight at this stage of her pregnancy, and she really doesn’t deserve you.