Equal Partners In Marriage

“Friends, companions, and lovers … are closest to us who best understand what life means to us, who feel for us as we feel for ourselves, who are bound to us in triumph and disaster, who break the spell of our loneliness.” –Henry Alonzo Myers

Marriage is a sacred bond between man and woman, but it must be an equal partnership. Husband and wife must share in the responsibilities of the home and family, although each family is different and has extenuating circumstances. A marriage partnership should achieve equality by supporting the other. This way both may be able to have the time to work on existing or new talents.

When I married my husband, I thought life was grand and I was going to make this marriage the best marriage on earth. I wanted to make him happy and please him. As time went on, and after having my second child, I noticed I didn’t have time for myself. My responsibilities existed of cleaning the house, doing the dishes and laundry, sewing clothes, making meals, mowing the lawn, weeding, planting flowers, paying the bills, buying groceries, and taking care of my children’s needs. Whew! Just thinking about those responsibilities can make one tired.

After having children, I found little time to practice my talents or even develop any new ones. When ten o’clock p.m. came around, I was exhausted and was ready for bed. I didn’t have time to watch television or to soak in the tub and relax. So this was my daily routine. I noticed that I was losing most of the talents I had worked so hard for. When my husband came home from work, he had plenty of energy. He always found time to go fishing, practice his target shooting, and go to a Mountain Man Rendezvous dressed in his rugged regalia, with his tomahawk hanging from his weapons belt and holding his black-powder rifle in hand.

After a few years of marriage, we sat down and talked about our marriage responsibilities. My husband realized that we needed to make a change in our lives so I could work on my talents. He encouraged me to take singing lessons again and get back what I had lost. He told me that he would help by cooking in the evening when he got home from work, and if I was swamped he would even wash clothes. Soon, I found other talents I didn’t know I had. I was able to do some creative writing, do research on ancestors, and even have energy left over in the evening to do something fun with my husband. I found time to prepare a recital each year and even found time to go back to college and get my degree, which I had longed to do for so many years. I was able to feel that I was an individual with talents of my own.

Dennis Lythgoe, the author of A Marriage of Equals, said that a marriage should be 50/50 and partners should share the responsibilities of cooking, laundry, cleaning, and parental responsibilities. Dennis calls this an “equal partnership.” He said, “Sharing the load has made me a more productive person domestically. It has eased Marti’s fatigue considerably and given us a lot more time for each other. It has taught our children that men and women should spend equal time acting as parents.” (Women and the Power Within, “Equal Partners,” p. 98.)

When Dennis counseled married couples, he said, “Sharing in marriage is an inherently controversial topic among men. I often brought up the possibility of sharing to the men … I never suggested my own 50/50 arrangement but only a fraction of the load to ease the wife’s burden. In most cases, these men were not anxious to hear such suggestions. In fact, they were worried that a comfortable status quo was being invaded. When I wrote articles about sharing, I received some angry responses from men—even from colleagues who did not appreciate my introducing this concept to their wives. So I realize that women do not find it easy to convince men that this is a good idea—but in my opinion it is eminently worth doing.” (Equal Partners, p.99)

A lot of the problem is lack of communication. Most women just figure their husbands will notice how hard they are working and will want to pitch in and help. They expect their husbands to notice they have had a big day and are exhausted. But it’s not so. Husbands don’t realize all the work their wives have accomplished, but will notice the toys strewn about the floor or the dishes haven’t been done. Women should ask for help and shouldn’t expect men to just volunteer. Most husbands, because of their love for their wives, will want to help if you just communicate.

Dennis said, “Chores should be divided on the basis of who does what best. … A great way to encourage husbands to do more around the house is to list and divide chores according to interests and abilities.” (Equal Partners, p. 104)

We shouldn’t criticize how our husband helps, but allow him to do it his own way. We must give our husbands free reign in whatever they do. When my husband cooks, the kitchen looks like a disaster, but I don’t have to cook. He figures that the “dish washer” will take care of the mess. When he does the laundry, he’ll bring it upstairs and we have to get our own clothes and put them away, but the fact is I don’t have to do the laundry.

When a husband and wife communicate and work together by sharing the household responsibilities, this helps the wife to grow in other areas and to have time for herself. This gives her enough energy, physically and emotionally, to develop her talents. A woman needs to feel content in her marriage. Just remember that no two marriages are the same and can’t be compared. We should have mutual respect for one another and care about the other’s needs.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning said it best when she wrote:

Grow old along with me;
The best is yet to be.
The last of life
For which the first was made.

Copyright 2006