Out Of Darkness - The Entire 2 Chapter Enjoy :) (The Metamorphosis)

Gradually in junior high I noticed that I was somewhat a little different emotionally than the other kids, but it really didn’t seem to affect me that much at the time. How was I different, you may ask. Well it’s like this. I was always worried about what people thought of me, which wasn’t unusual for kids that age; however, I worried to excess. Before talking to someone I would go over in my mind what I would say to that person, over and over again until I felt as though it was what they might want to hear. I would do anything to get someone to like me if I wanted them to be my friend.

If I liked a girl I would go over and over what I said to her in the hall to make sure that it was acceptable, and if it wasn’t I’d say to myself, Arthur, you are a dork, she will never go out with you now, way to go champ, you blew it again. I would do this over and over until I would start to feel bad and think that I would have to go home. That’s just one way to show you how my mind worked a little different from most kids’, because I would do it to excess and make myself sick.

How many people do you know that go over and over something until it drives them nuts? Well I did and did it often.

Time was crawling by; it seemed like years. I would try to hide the fact that I was in LD classes and during those periods I would just go the other way away from people and get to class and sit there instead of socializing; I had a feeling if people knew I was in special classes that they would think of me as a dork or something and this was totally unacceptable to me, so I tried to hide it. Finally, halfway thorough the year, they said that I no longer needed to be in the LD classes. I was overjoyed, for I truly hated those classes with a passion.

(YES, I FINALLY GOT A VICTORY. AMEN!)

Now don’t think this happened overnight. It practically took hours upon hours of studying when others played.

I mean I literally would spend three to four hours a week with my mom going over spelling words just to get a passing grade and this is no exaggeration at all! This does not include all the other subjects that I had and at times I fewlt like my head was going to exspolde.

(WHAT FUN!)

But I was determined to get out of those funny classes! Sorry, that’s how I felt. I always felt that I was better than that; now I know anyone unfortunate enough to have a learning disability is just like you and me with his or her own challenges and trials to face.

In spite of my academic difficulties, I was always a popular guy. I was the life of the party, the class clown, but the pain I tried so hard to hide reared its ugly head more and more and started to show up in relationships in the form of emotional problems.

When I would go to parties with a girlfriend in eighth grade, they would see that I was depressed, even though at one time I was with the girl that everyone wanted to be with, Christine. She would ask me what was wrong. I’d say things like I am ugly, I hate life, what’s wrong with me?

That was the best way I could hide how I really felt

(AND I WAS A MASTER AT HIDING HOW I REALLY FELT)

even though deep down inside I wanted to tell someone, was just afraid of what they might think of me. And the way I really felt was that I wanted to die or do something drastic to myself! You may ask yourself how a kid who was class president and going out with the prettiest girl in the school and was the life of the party (though at times I wasn’t much at all) could feel such a way. But it’s true, I was depressed.

How could I bee depressed you may say to yourself? Well things back then went unnoticed and children were labeled this or that, they didn’t think is was a mental health disorder, why? I am not sure but I am glad in this day and age the system is set up to help kids, thank you God, this has always been one on my prayers!

How do I hide it? What do I really say to them when they ask me what is wrong? How do I tell my girlfriend that nothing is wrong when she knows me and can sense that there is something going on? My male friends noticed that there was something wrong with me, but I did my best to hide it from them too. When Christine and I broke up it devastated me. I didn’t love her, I mean I was only in seventh or eighth grade. But yeah, we made out and I really liked it and thought I was hot shit. I couldn’t figure out what I did that made her want to end it. This really put me down in the dumps.

(YOU GUESSED IT.)

That’s when I turned to my first use of drugs!

(OH, WHAT A RELIEF IT WAS!)

In the long haul it only made matters worse.

(SOMEHOW I THINK I REALLY KNEW THIS.)

But it was like my destiny was already carved out for me. What a relief, something to hide the pain and make me laugh!

Before I knew it I found myself getting high on marijuana three to four times a week at the tender age of fourteen.

(I WAS STILL WET BEHIND THE EARS!)

The Master had taken another approach and let out a furious attack—the one of healing my pain with drugs and alcohol.

This worked for a long period of time. I really am not sure you can say “it worked” because in all reality I seemed to fall deeper and deeper into that dreaded pit with no signs of life.

(THAT REALLY STUNK!)

That was just the tip of the iceberg as far as what my future would hold, because soon the Master of Darkness would introduce me to alcohol.

(THIS WAS MY DOWNFALL AS I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT IMMEDIATELY!)

It led me and the ones I love through a long list of pain and DUI’s and leaving the scenes.

(ALCOHOL RELATED OF COURSE. YOU GUESSED IT, I AM AN ALCOHOLIC!)

That’s getting ahead of the story, though. I got good grades from seventh grade until I graduated, but I honestly had to put in countless hours of studying.

Let me change the subject quickly. I could not go any further if I didn’t mention my grandmother; she is a true angel to me! Many were the times she came and picked me up drunk and in a stupor, no matter what time it was. She and my family never gave up on me.

(OH, HOW I LOVE THEM.)

This is for you, Grandma Orkie.

I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE TRULY ONE OF MY VERY BEST FRIENDS!

Now getting back to the story. I would have to study for countless hours, each and every day. Hours that most kids were playing I studied. I also stayed up later because it was still unbelievably hard to get to sleep.

(I HAVE ALWAYS HATED THAT!)

I would lie in my bed under my covers trying to get to sleep for hours until my eyes would just close from pure exhaustion. To this day I have a hard time some nights, unless I have some assistance with medication, but I have grown used to it.

My problems weren’t over yet. Panic attacks hit me.

(THEY TERRIFIED ME ALWAYS.)

YES TO THIS DAY I STILL HAVE PANCIK ATTACKS, AND SOMETIMES I GET DOWN TO, BUT NOTHING LIKE BEFORE THE MEDICINE WAS ON THE SCENE. SO WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THIS, WE ARE NEVER TOTALLY HEALED, YET WITH HARD WORK THE RIGHT DR. AND THE CORRECT MEDICINE YOU CAN LEAD AN EXSTRAORDINAY LIFE, I AM LIVING PROOF OF THIS AND MY MEDICINE IS AT THE LOWEST POINT IT HAS BEEN IN THE LAST TEN YEARS,

It felt as though I was having a heart attack and that my chest would explode as it pounded like a hammer hitting a nail hard and fast and loud. When I had a panic attack my mind would absolutely go crazy. You are going to die, it would say, and then my heart would beat even faster. What are you going to do now that your life is almost over, it would scream to me! I wish I could have turned the damn thing off, yet no matter how hard I tried I could not shut it off! One night I woke my dad up and told him I was dying. He took my pulse and then calmly said, “Let’s get to the hospital!”

If you have never had a panic attack you are very lucky, they are terrifying and you think that you are really going to die, now if the hospital knows you are ok they just leave you sitting there and you suffer and they act like it’s a walk in the park, please know this is a very real problem and needs to be treated as such.

This was a trend that would grow steadily worse. I would go to the hospital or the doctor’s very often, sometimes four to five times a month. I am sure this drove my family, doctor, and the emergency room that I regularly frequented crazy. As time passed and with a wonderful new doctor, the attacks are pretty much gone! I have not had to go to the emergency room for mental health issues for quite some time.

(ANOTHER VICTORY.)

It was when I was in seventh and eighth grade that I noticed when I got into a relationship and really started liking a girl, that’s when we would break up. (This is where, as I look back at it all, I first started to see the emotional problems, and it also became very clear to everyone close to me.)

At least to me it seemed clear, maybe noone noticed but me, I am not really sure, I mean no one ever told me they thought Iwas nuts and if they did they never said anything to me, so maybe just maybe I was hopinf deep down inside me that someone, anyone would notice that I was ready to go off the deep end!

I would cry for hours and make myself sick and vomit for hours at a time. Normally when I would get sick, after a day or so the doctor would need to prescribe something to help me stop vomiting.

I remember one girl I was going out with. Her name was Christy and I really liked her. She was gorgeous and I had a crush on her all the way through high school. We would talk often. I don’t know if I did something wrong or what that reason was, but the relationship didn’t last too long, maybe a month or two weeks, and when she dumped me it was like the end of the world!