Tourniquet

Saying goodbye to a friend is one of the hardest thing I know, and it is much difficult to bid goodbye to a friend you dearly love. Love is one thing I never regret to feel and experience...

March 12, 2002

Dearest friend,

Hi! It’s been a long time since we’ve talked and I missed you a lot. I just want to tell you something. I don’t know how it happened but it did. Everyday I prayed to Him to show me what love is, and to let me feel it. I’ve read so much about it but it’s still a stranger to me. As I woke up one day, I was thinking of a goddess, a woman I never thought of loving. I never thought I would love her more than I should love a friend. So many questions arise yet no answers to clear these vague feelings. I never thought I would care for her more than a pal should do. But I just did, I did. “All the time I’m searching for love, I never thought it was beside me!”

Suddenly my eyes were filled with sadness. Dark clouds covered my clear blue sky. I’m so sorry. I’m very sorry. I’m sorry that I fell for you. I apologize if you think I’ve cheated you. Yes, it is my fault. But I tried to keep it on my own. I tried. I tried to live in a friendship full of pretensions. I tried not to cross the boundaries of friendship and love. God knows I tried. It’s so hard for me to choose between love and friendship. I don’t want to lose a friend but I want to love you, I want to be happy. I asked myself which is more important, to keep our friendship and force my love to die or better yet love you and worse, lose a friend and have a broken heart. Yes, I’ll take the risk. I want to shout and tell everybody that I love more you.

I can’t blame you if you’ll hate me. I can’t blame you if you’ll never talk to me again. I’ll just the consequences of the greatest thing that ever came to me. I’m not forcing you to love me. I just want to love you. Perhaps I am just confused of what love is or maybe I’m in love with the concept of being in love. Please let me love you and I don’t expect you to give it back in return. I may sound to martyr but if love is martyrdom, I’m gonna embrace it whole-heartedly. I may be selfish, I’m into you, and loving you seems to be the only thing I know. Yes, I’m a fool, a fool to waste a friendship and gamble it with love and I don’t know if it is worth gambling it.

I don’t want to continue my agony hiding this feeling. I can see you happy with him. Yes, I want to be in his place. I want to love you. Every time I see you happy with him, I weep. Every time I see the both of you cherishing your love, I die. Every time I see you crying because of him, I want to tell you and blame you. “If only you’ll love me, I’ll never allow any tears to fall from your eyes.” I’m crazy! All I wish for is a right love, but it wasn’t. Perhaps this a right love, a right love at the right time with the wrong person!

I told myself that I should have kept this feeling. It never turned out to be right. They say love gives much happiness to every person who open-handedly accept it, but why is it I’m feeling so much pain. If only I have a sin, it’s the sin of loving you. Everything went wrong. And it is my fault. I think this is goodbye my dear friend. Thank you for sharing the best things our friendship had. I understand you can’t offer me more than this friendship we have. Loving you is a decision and whatever happens now, only God knows and I’ll face it. Whatever consequences slap me. I will accept it. Thank you, I never regret loving you. For once in my life, I became complete.

Always,
Me