The Truth About 'nice Guys' And 'jerks': What Most Men Don't Understand

Emotionally healthy women do not want to be treated badly. Their definition of a “jerk” is “a man, not a mouse”. Think about it. If you were a woman, would you rather go out with Indian Jones or Clark Kent? There is absolutely nothing wrong with these women and they are right to choose “jerks”, at least as they define them. NOT a “Really Nice Guy” (yawn).

It means Braveheart. It means Gladiator. And you don’t have to be able to fight. What she wants is courage – or put another way, she dreams of a man who is willing to die to protect her.

Not die. Be willing to die.

That’s not asking too much, is it? How would you feel about a woman who was willing to die to protect you? I don’t know about you, but it turns me on just to think about that.

How can you prove something like that without getting yourself killed? It has less to do with one big dramatic act than an accumulation of little things, day after day. And if you’re currently involved in a relationship, odds are she’s testing you every day, although you may not recognize it.

I will never forget the day I first started learning this. At the time I was the consummate Nice Guy who never got a second date (lots of first dates, though). Not that I had a good time on the first date, though. It was always the same. I would be driving my latest Potential Future Ex-Girlfriend to the rock concert or the theater or whatever, and when I’d make a left turn at the intersection she’d say something like, “Why did you turn left there? You should’ve gone straight – it’s quicker that way.” So, Nice Guy that I was, I’d hang a U-turn and do it her way. Ten minutes later I’d be pulling into a parking space and she’d say, “Why’d you park there? That space over there is closer to the entrance.” I was SUCH a klutz, you see.

The scene at the doorstep at the end of the night was always the same. “Well, Jake, you’re a Really Nice Guy, BUT…” I never had a woman finish that sentence. Then again, a little voice always whispered in my ear that I wouldn’t have enjoyed hearing it anyway. At home that night I would dissect the evening move by move. I would always conclude that I wasn’t being “nice” enough, so on the next date I would just try harder. Talk about putting out the fire with gasoline.

My friend Jim was quite popular with the ladies, so out of desperation I decided swallow my pride and see if there wasn’t a few things I could learn from him. Jim was dating Julie, one of the most attractive women I had ever seen. I decided to insinuate myself into his presence some time when he was with her.

He took me along to the mall one afternoon, just the three of us. And lo and behold, as he was pulling into a parking space, there she went: “Why’d you park here? That spot there is closer to the entrance.” And indeed it was. But Jim never batted an eye. “Just to piss you off, baby!” He said it with a mischievous grin. I was shocked, positively shocked. And Julie had suddenly turned into an ice cube of burning hostility, if that makes any sense. To tell the truth I was a little excited that lovely Julie would soon be on the singles market. After all I just KNEW I was a nicer guy than Jim. How could she resist?

But alas, inside of half an hour Julie started warming up again, and by the time we left the mall she was all over Jim. I could just about see the steam rising off those two. Jim had passed the test once again.

That’s the moment when I first realized that all this time I wasn’t nearly as nice of a guy as I thought I was. All of that compliant, self-effacing “niceness” was really just selfishness. I wasn’t trying to make my date happy. I was trying to make her like ME, so I could be happy.

That was my first lesson, and it was a humbling one. The difficult tests came slowly over the weeks, months, and years. I learned this much – a woman may be initially attracted to a man’s wild, dangerous side. But as soon as she reels him in, the first thing most women will do is to launch a campaign to domesticate him. In the end, though, it’s just another test, because if she finally succeeds in domesticating him, she will find to her amazement that she doesn’t want him anymore. At least not nearly as much as she once did. I say “to her amazement” because odds are she’s not thinking through any of this consciously.; it’s like she’s on auto-pilot –human minds have source codes, too.

She may dump him then, or she may sigh inwardly and chalk it up as just what happens to any couple after the newness wears off. So don’t let her domesticate you. Don’t be reckless, but DO be dangerous. Don’t worry, no man has to try to be dangerous. All he has to do is stop trying to be “safe”. If, having won her heart, you morph back into a Nice Guy, you will be doing something terrible to her: depriving her of the object of her affection – you.

One final word from the Man Who Thinks He’s Got It All Figured Out: If I could sum up “What every guy needs to know to understand women” in a slogan that would fit on a T-shirt or a bumper sticker, it would look like this:

WOMEN NEED LOVE

Not goddess worship, not selfish possessiveness, but real love – the kind that is willing to sacrifice its own interests in favor of the welfare of the beloved.