Speaking to a large audience of colleagues, press, and spectators at Harvard's Graduate School of Education, Professor D. Tweedle gave a long, rambling speech often interrupted by cheers and applause. Here are the highlights:
I’ve been asked by my colleagues to make an important announcement on behalf of the Education Establishment. Today, officially at this moment, we are resigning. All the PhD big dogs, anyway. Like me, definitely LOL.
Of course there’s sadness in moving on. There is pride in our achievements. And there is the pleasure of confessing and maybe bragging a little. We have not often been in the position of telling the truth. Today we are shouting it. Speaking for myself, it’s a tingly experience. Hey, Madonna, I’m like a virgin, haha.
Henceforth, Americans everywhere will have to carry on as best they can. No more help from us, LOL. Basically we are running away from a burning building. We just don’t care anymore. We’re glad to tell everybody, set up your bucket brigades and see if you can save what’s left.
Of course, you’re wondering why, why now, why do we make this drastic decision? I think we are tired. We have kept so many secrets; we’ve conspired in so many thousands of meetings. Mainly, we have won almost every battle and now we don’t care anymore. We don’t need to win every last battle. Surprise, turns out after all we’re almost human. Almost. Hahaha.
Besides, the next generation is not too bright. We tell the young ones what we’re really doing. They look stunned. What???? They came up through the schools we created. What do we expect? Definitely LOL.
There seemed to be no end to the folly we could perpetrate, and the sophistry we could sell. Truth is, it was so easy. People say you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Silly people. We did it every day. That should be the public's epitaph: you made it so easy.
Oh yeah, we got away with so much for so long. It’s like being a burglar, and people leave the doors open and the money on the dresser. We just walk in, take the money, and walk out. That’s life for us. Come on, that’s funny, right. LOLOL.
We created 50 million functional illiterates. Folks, think about it, the great crime wave of the 20th century is us. Maybe that’s not grammatical but you know we always crusaded against grammar, haha.
Oh, yes, we were against anything by the rules, spelling and grammar, multiplication tables, knowing any old thing. For sure, we hated right answers and memorizing stuff. We ourselves knew lots of stuff. That’s the way humans are supposed to live and yet we were able to convince the American public that knowing a lot of stuff was a waste of time; and the real purpose of the public schools is social engineering. Kids learn to work and play together. WTH. Throughout history, slaves have always known how to work and play together. Big deal. They don’t have a choice. Why did nobody mention this?
Let me have another sip of this....Thank you, Jack Daniels! Where was I?
Oh, yeah. English has an alphabet, the ABC’s. That is the definition of a phonetic language. Chinese doesn’t have an alphabet. Japanese doesn’t have an alphabet. But we convinced almost the whole country to pretend that words are Chinese diagrams that have to be memorized. It’s hard to think of something equally preposterous. My mind reels now trying to think of an example. If you travel north from the equator, you will learn to fly. Frogs are great at rodeo. Really, it’s difficult to think of something that preposterous, LOL. But they went for it, little boobies. ROFL.
Then we took on math and made it incomprehensible, murky, so that children in high school would not know how to compute the check in a restaurant. We had some smart people working on this. Things you would never imagine could be suitable for second and fourth graders...well, we taught exactly those things. By the time those kids got to sixth grade, they were permanently retarded math-wise. Hey, we were geniuses--sent kids off to college not knowing what 7 times 8 is. Think about it!
The really brilliant thing was that Reform Math actually had 12 separate curricula. As fast as a community would learn to hate one of them, we would move to the next. Students would go through school and have children of their own; and they would still be working on other variations of Reform Math, LMAO. We had every community in the US tangled in knots trying to figure out why the kids can’t learn arithmetic.
And we kept telling the parents it was research-based. Now that is so funny. Come on, you’ve got to admit it. You know what the research is?? Somebody says, you think we could get away with this tumor?? Sure, let’s try it. Constructivism, that’s so funny. That’s comedy gold. You don’t teach kids anything and THEREFORE they learn more. Damn, we are good, LOL for sure.
So today we are kicking up our heels, dishing the dirt, maybe scraping a little guilt off the shoes. Getting the truth out, wow, it’s kind of fun.
And let’s face it, Mr. and Mrs. America, if you don’t think your kids deserved such treatment, so what? So sue us. On what grounds? We never broke a law. You let us get away with it. Hey, you’re co-conspirators. You’re so stupid you didn’t pay attention to what was happening in your schools. Hey, bitches, sue yourself, LOL forever.
What? I’m getting some signals from the back of the room to shut up. I can’t do it. I won’t. Freedom is such a wonderful thing. For me, not most people, of course. Why shut up? No, we’ll give the US a big raspberry on the way to the Caribbean. I’ll do Little Theater. Acting? That's all we ever did. I’m telling you, getting far away from education is an easy move because I’ve always been far away from education if by that you mean that kids should learn to read and write. Like I cared, haha.
I wanted to fix it so kids couldn’t read and write, anybody not get it? John Dewey told me to do this. Marxism told me to do this. Epater the bourgeoisie. That’s you, John Dough. The Russians were meddling and they wanted us to do this. Their own country was a pissoir--I know that now. Naturally they wanted this country dumbed to oblivion.
How we got away with it, I’ll never know. But I can tell you, the official doctrine in the Education Establishment from 1930 onward was we organize the teaching profession and we use it to transform the country. Transform as in deform. And we did. Sure, we had our critics, we made them look silly, and that was that. LOLOL.
Okay, I’m a little embarrassed now, especially seeing all the international lunatics we inadvertently helped, but for years I would read those surveys showing that people don’t know where their country is on a map. I would laugh. They don’t know where their country is on the map? And they don’t care enough to find out? Dumb schmucks, LOL.
Help me. Isn’t that like a girl getting really drunk at a fraternity party? She can’t complain what happens. That’s not funny? I think it’s funny. What I say goes. Well, it did until today. America, you’re on your own now. I’ll give you one piece of advice. Take over your local schools. Don’t pay attention to anybody from a school of education, Hardeharhah.
Asking professors of education for advice on education is like asking penguins for advice on living in the Amazon rain forest. Hey, what’s a penguin know about the price of orchids? Are we LOL yet?
Have to say, it is cute how it actually works. If you know stuff, you can have interesting conversations. You can talk and think. We just about finished that off, didn’t we? Now we’ve got kids empty-headed but they think they’re engaged in critical thinking, LOL. We call it 21st century skills. That’s LOL with a cherry on top.
Okay, so we vacuumed the sense out of millions of minds. It was consensual. That’s our story and we’re sticking it to you, LOL. Point is, we were good. One of America’s great success stories. Warms my heart. Yeah, I got one. Don’t get smart. Little late for that, hahahahahaha.
* This is, of course, satire. Nobody at Harvard's Graduate School of Education could say any of these outrageous things. LOL.
Bruce Deitrick Price is the founder of Improve-Education.org
, an education and intellectual site. One focus is reading; see "42: Reading Resources." Price is an author, artist and poet. His fifth book is "THE EDUCATION ENIGMA--What Happened to American Education."