Isnare Free Articles
Authors Contents [Add OpenSearch]
Distribute your articles to more than 6,000+ sites and 40,000+ email group publisher subscribers for as low as $2 / article...
Index  Article Directory  Humor
Embed this Article  
Bruce Deitrick Price

Bruce Deitrick Price x 109 articles

Liked the article? Consider buying me a beer!
$

According to a movie and book that came out in 2010, everyone is Waiting For Superman.

That would be the heroic, miraculous, too-good-to-be-true school that will swoop down into even the worst neighborhoods and rescue all those bad-luck kids.

Me, I’m not counting on Superman. Public schools are too weird. The Man of Steel will look foolish fighting to the death against silly putty.

To speak truth about this demented demimonde, we need a voice, a mind, a way of thinking as deranged as the system itself.

We need Lewis Black. You know him, of course. He’s the quintessential angry comic. On stage he appears to be having a seizure. His hands tremble upward in gestures of helpless rage. Spit seems to fly from his mouth as he hurls bombs made of bitterness. It’s easy to imagine him chomping off these insults:

“KIDS CAN’T READ THEIR DIPLOMAS. THEY CAN’T FIND THIS COUNTRY ON A MAP. YOU’RE TEACHING THEM WHAT?? NO, YOU’RE TEACHING THEM NOTHING. YOU ARE KEEPING THEM EMPTY-HEADED. AND STUFFING THEM IN A DEEP HOLE AND PAVING IT OVER WITH ASPHALT MADE FROM CHOPPED UP ENCYCLOPEDIAS. AND WHAT’S THAT YOU’RE SAYING TO THEM?? BYE-BYE, SUCKERS!!!”

Here he might shake and shudder all over, a trademark gesture of disgust. Lewis Black--his style, his comedy, the way his mind functions--is the perfect counterpoint to the bogosity shown by our Education Establishment. There are many thousands of these so-called experts, all gaudily festooned with degrees and titles. But Lewis Black could be their avenging-angel equal:

“YOU ASK ME, KIDS MUST KNOW THE NAMES OF THE OCEANS. BUT NOOOO. OUR SUPERINTENDENTS AND PRINCIPALS ASK WHY, WHY WOULD CHILDREN NEED SUCH INFORMATION?? WELLLLL, HOW ABOUT BECAUSE THEY ARE HUMAN. THEY ARE ALIVE!!!!!!!. BECAUSE KIDS ARE NOT VEGETABLES. NOT TOMATOES GROWING ON A VINE. THEY ARE THE FUTURE OF THE COUNTRY. AND THEY DON’T KNOW THE NAMES OF THE OCEANS THAT WASH AGAINST OUR SHORES. BLA-BLA-BLANKETTY-BLAH.”

Lewis Black doesn’t look healthy. He’s been on dark journeys to hell and back. He probably smokes and drinks too much. His mind has been poked and strobed by too many titanically terrible experiences. But now he’s back from the dread, to tell us the low-down on our intellectual slow-down:

“THIS BOY IS IN COLLEGE. HE’S IN A FRATERNITY. HE HAS A DRIVER’S LICENSE AND OWNS A CAR AND CAN VOTE. BUT HE CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT 6 x 7 IS. WHERE’S A CALCULATOR??? HE’S IN SCHOOL 12 YEARS BEFORE COLLEGE. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT 6 X 7 IS! THINK ABOUT THIS FOR THREE SECONDS AND YOUR EYES WILL ROLL LIKE CHERRIES IN A SLOT MACHINE. SON-OF-A-BARBIE DOLL!”

Now his own eyes are rolling, side to side, then back in his head. Black will probably topple over and flatline on the stage. No, he rights himself as he gazes almost idiotically at the audience. Assembling, as if they were a giant jigsaw puzzle, his thoughts. His head twitches on an unsteady stalk. His whole body spasms with indignation, like some Manhattan cabbie cursing a dumb-ass tourist:

“I HAVE TO TELL YOU, ALL THIS CRAPADODDLEDO ABOUT HOW TO FIX THE SCHOOLS?...SOMEBODY IS LAUGHING AT YOU. THE KIDS CAN’T COUNT. THEY CAN’T READ. BUT SOMEHOW IT’S ALWAYS SOMEBODY ELSE’S FAULT. NOT THE PEOPLE RUNNING THE SCHOOLS. NOT ONE BIT. THEY JUST PULL ALL THE STRINGS, WRITE ALL THE LAWS, CREATE ALL THE POLICIES. BUT SOMEHOW YOU KNOW WHOSE FAULT IT IS, SOME NICE WELFARE MOTHER IN QUEENS. IT’S ALL HER FAULT. IT’S SOME EIGHT-YEAR-OLD’S FAULT BECAUSE HE PLAYED A VIDEO GAME. SURE IT IS!”

Now Black is pacing like a tiger on meth, ten steps to our left, eight steps back the other way. Can he hold himself together? Will he explode like that can’t-stop-eating guy in Monty Python? Pieces of Lewis Black ten rows out, but people are screaming with joy!!

“THESE KIDS CAN’T READ A CEREAL BOX. THEY CAN’T READ A SIGN ON THE STREET. WHO THE HELL IS IN CHARGE OF READING??? THE ADDAMS FAMILY? F TROOP? PEOPLE WHO WANT TO PULL THE SWITCH ON DEATH ROW, BUT CAN’T PASS THE IQ TEST???? WHO IS IN CHARGE OF READING? TRUMP HAS A LOVE NOTE FOR YOU. READY? YOU’RE FIRED.”

Now Black is making noises like a venting whale. Good, he’s not exploding after all. Oooops, but he is going to projectile-vomit on the people in the front row. Ohmiiigod...At the last second he pulls back from the abyss and demands to know:

“IS IT THE FAULT OF THE PARENTS? OH, OF COURSE! ESPECIALLY THOSE PARENTS WHO ARE GUILTY OF WANTING THEIR KIDS TO KNOW HOW TO READ AND COUNT. THE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS!!!! THEY DON’T APPRECIATE THE POINT OF BEING DUMBED DOWN. THESE STUPID MIDDLEBROW PARENTS WANT THEIR KIDS TO KNOW THE NAMES OF THE OCEANS. WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH THEM??”

Lewis Black is shaking all over, flinching, twisting, turning 180 degrees at a jerk. He advances to the front of the stage, a crazed Old Testament prophet. Surely he is going to put a curse on the world. It’s the worst of times and the worst of times, and Black knows why:

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DUMB SCHMUCKS? THEY ARE PLAYING YOU FOR CHUMPS. THEY SHOWED YOU A CAR THAT WON’T RUN AND YOU BEGGED TO PAY $80,000 FOR IT. YOU’LL BE PAYING FOR IT UNTIL YOU DIE. YOUR KIDS WILL BE PAYING FOR IT UNTIL THEY DIE...

“I HEARD WE NEED VOLUNTEERS FOR A NEW COLONY ON MARS. I VOLUNTEER THE PEOPLE RUNNING OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM. OFF THEY GO! BYE-BYE! DON’T BOTHER US ANYMORE. WE’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN YOU CAN COME BACK. GROUND CONTROL TO WORLD CLASS TWITS. YOU WANT SOME MORE KIDS TO MESS UP, FIND THEM ON MARS. HAHA.”

----

(Bruce Deitrick Price is an author, artist, poet, and education reformer. All portions of the fictional scenario starring Lewis Black are by Price. Price is also waiting for Denis Leary, Chris Rock, Carlos Mencia, and Bobby Collins, for a start.)

Rate this article:
Bruce Deitrick Price is the founder of Improve-Education.org, an education and intellectual site. One focus is reading; see "42: Reading Resources." Price is an author, artist and poet. His fifth book is "THE EDUCATION ENIGMA--What Happened to American Education."
Important NoticeDISCLAIMER: All information, content, and data in this article are sole opinions and/or findings of the individual user or organization that registered and submitted this article at Isnare.com without any fee. The article is strictly for educational or entertainment purposes only and should not be used in any way, implemented or applied without consultation from a professional. We at Isnare.com do not, in anyway, contribute or include our own findings, facts and opinions in any articles presented in this site. Publishing this article does not constitute Isnare.com's support or sponsorship for this article. Isnare.com is an article publishing service. Please read our Terms of Service for more information.

Most Recent Articles

Renovate Your Lawn Beautifully With Lawn Care and Maintenance Services

An Article by LAZICH LEO in Gardening

8 months ago

An unkempt and ugly lawn is not only an eyesore, it also creates a negative impact on your property. If you have let go of lawn care so much so that it is over run with weeds or shows bare patches, a lawn renovation is in order. Repairing your lawn may be a good idea if the about 25% of your lawn is in bad shape...

Custom Hanging Signs Sydney - Affordable Way of Promoting Your Business

An Article by Mike Layman in Marketing

8 months ago

Hanging Signs are not just an amazing and highly cost effective way of advertising your products and services; they are easier to setup in comparison to other advertisement signs – just hang them from a pair of hooks or whatever and you're done. Needless to add, this also makes them more economical than other outdoor or indoor advertisement material...

Armor Your Laptop in Style With Printable Laptop Sleeves

An Article by Rohit B in Finances

8 months ago

To help you with both of your purposes, let us discuss about such a service which will help you out here to create your own laptop sleeve. So as I told you in the above paragraph, which I would have started my personal service or something to help you out of this situation. But let me inform you what you must be thinking is just something hypothetical, but that’s not true...

Start School in Time by Using Automatic School Bell

An Article by Vivency Global in Education

8 months ago

School is first place where children learn discipline, good manners and punctuality. The automatic school bell solutions are really important and makes away from manual errors. Humans may ring the bell at in appropriate time but the machine cannot. The most of the school are digitalized with interactive boards, automatic bells, CCTV and many...

Applying For No Credit Check Mortgage Loan? – Expert Tips to Follow

An Article by Roy Robbins in Finances

8 months ago

Interestingly, the option of no credit check mortgage loan has been made available by some lenders. So, one does not need to undergo tedious process of credit assessment. However getting quick approval for an affordable mortgage no credit check loan is not easy. Some stringent approval criteria may apply...

70-345 Microsoft Exchange Server 2016 Study Books

An Article by Chung Crissler in Internet

8 months ago

Examunion offers you a comprehensive look at the best prospects available in 70-345 exam questions throughout the Industry. Not only will you be given theoretical, but also given 70-345 Microsoft Exchange Server 2016 study books which will give you even more practice than before. Try our Designing and Deploying Microsoft Exchange Server 2016 70-345 exam test today and succeed in your Designing and Deploying Microsoft Exchange Server 2016 70-345 exam...

Microsoft MCSE 70-339 Practice Exam SharePoint Server 2016 70-339 Questions Material

An Article by Chung Crissler in Education

8 months ago

Maybe on other web sites or books, you can also see the related training materials. But as long as you compare Examunion product with theirs, you will find that our product has a broader coverage of the certification exam's outline. You can free download part of Microsoft MCSE 70-339 exam books from Examunion website as a try to detect the quality of our products...

Gain Weight and Build Muscle

An Article by Arati Shah in Wellness, Fitness and Diet

8 months ago

Several individuals do not succeed in their passion to maintain a healthy diet due to the lack of knowledge of eating healthy at work. When at work, many find it difficult to stay committed to a diet plan due to several unavoidable reasons such as colleagues might request to eat with them, availability of lots of delicious food at workplace, etc...

XenApp and XenDesktop 7.6 LTSR 1Y0-202 Questions

An Article by Kruis Barry in Education

8 months ago

1Y0-202 is a challenging exam, with our XenApp and XenDesktop 7. 6 LTSR 1Y0-202 questions; you can feel safe with our question and answers that will help you in obtaining your successful completion of your 1Y0-202 exam. All of our practice exams including the 1Y0-202 exam will prepare you for success...

VSphere 6.5 Foundations Exam 2V0-602 Dumps

An Article by Kruis Barry in Education

8 months ago

Passcert vSphere 6. 5 Foundations 2V0-602 dumps 2V0-602 help you to save a lot of time and effort. You 2V0-602 also use the extra time and effort to earn more money. Passcert provide you the product with high quality and reliability. You 2V0-602 free download online part of Passcert providing vSphere 6...

Citrix Certification 1Y0-202 Exam Answers Passtcert

An Article by Nigel Reyez in Computers and Technology

8 months ago

Passtcert is a website which can help you save time and energy to rapidly and efficiently master the Citrix certification 1Y0-202 exam related knowledge. If you are interested in Passtcert, you can first free download part of Passtcert Citrix Certification 1Y0-202 exam answers on the Internet as a try...

Benefits to Your Wedding Provided by Limo Service in Pittsburgh, PA

An Article by Iris K. Allen in Marriage

8 months ago

Using professional transportation on your wedding day may seem like a given and a basic booking to make, but considering the effect that it can have, you’d serve your wedding day well to be selective with your booking. Find a worthwhile company and secure every wedding transportation need with a suitable Pittsburgh Limousine...

Mark the Family Wedding With a Denver Bus Rental

An Article by Lucille W. Hill in Travel

8 months ago

The obligatory family wedding comes with challenges, but it also offers opportunities. A Coach Bus Denver will make it possible for your extended family to reconnect, save some cash, and all attend the family wedding as part of a group. Take Note of Transportation NecessitiesComprehensive research into all elements of transportation should come before you make reservation from any of the Charter Bus Companies Denver...

Killtest 2017 Microsoft MCSA 70-764 Test Questions Microsoft 70-764 Practice Test

An Article by Delia Green in Education

8 months ago

70-764 Administering a SQL Database Infrastructure is among the many most respected exams so you can get good work opportunities. We can complete devoid of much frantic use the particular help regarding Microsoft MCSA 70-764 Test Questions Microsoft 70-764 Practice Test that are exclusively made for people who will need advice...

2V0-602 VSphere 6.5 Foundations VMware VCP6.5-DCV 2V0-602 Exam Test Prep

An Article by Morris Porreca in Education

8 months ago

About VMware 2V0-602 exam, you can find these questions from different web sites or books, but the key is logical and connected. Our questions and answers will not only allow you effortlessly through the exam first time, but also can save your valuable time. Examgood can provide professional and high quality products...

MLA Style Citation:
Price, Deitrick Bruce "Education: Waiting For Lewis Black." Education: Waiting For Lewis Black. 18 Aug. 2012 Isnare.com. 19 Apr. 2018 <https://www.isnare.com/?aid=1335844&ca=Humor>.
APA Style Citation:
Price, Deitrick Bruce (2012, August 18). Education: Waiting For Lewis Black. Retrieved April 19, 2018, from https://www.isnare.com/?aid=1335844&ca=Humor
Chicago Style Citation:
Price, Deitrick Bruce "Education: Waiting For Lewis Black." Education: Waiting For Lewis Black Isnare.com. https://www.isnare.com/?aid=1335844&ca=Humor
Copy and paste the code below to embed this article:
<a class="embedly-card" href="https://www.isnare.com/?aid=1335844&ca=Humor">Education: Waiting For Lewis Black</a> <script>!function(a){var b="embedly-platform",c="script";if(!a.getElementById(b)){ var d=a.createElement(c);d.id=b,d.src=("https:"===document.location.protocol?"https":"http")+"://cdn.embedly.com/widgets/platform.js"; var e=document.getElementsByTagName(c)[0];e.parentNode.insertBefore(d,e)}}(document);</script>